Do Zombies Name Their Body Parts?

If you mean "naming body parts" as "cannons" for your arms, or "jr." for your penis, YES, we do. I have a body part that I call "Woody", because, like in Toy Story 3, nobody has touched it for the last 3 years. With the question of "what is this zombie is talking about", I leave you with zombie wishes for the last day of 2011... see'ya in 2012.

Light Decorated Homes. I Hate Them!

Zombies hate Christmas lights, but those computer-organized set-ups are just too much. I like Agry Birds, though...better than Plants Vs Zombies.

What to do if a Zombie Bites You -and you don't like it-

Simple. Use a zombie-aid and stop whining.

Two Dutch Zombies eat each other's flesh on TV show

That's right. If you are one of those who thinks that we eat flesh while hiding, you are wrong. Slowly but surely we are coming out of the closet. Thanks to Dutch TV, now we have some air time exposure. Watch out American Idol!

Cheap Zombies

Zombies are big spenders. We love to spend, no matter if we have the resources or not. Today, December 26th is a great day to spend money...some humans call it Boxing Day while others call it After Christmas Sales...

Go for it. As I have said in the past 2012 is the last year for this contaminated and stinky planet, so grab all they offer you in the stores and charge it to your credit cards. When there is no planet there is no payment... finally a payback to American Express.

Happy....Holidays?

Enjoy while you can...sooner than later we are going to get you. This is the Christmas card I used this year. I did not use the postman...I delivered each one of them by hand -through my neighbour's windows-

Stop this Sustainability Madness!

It has been long enough that people got into the fashionable idea of "sustainability". I am sick of it. There are "sustainable clothing", "sustainable practices", "sustainable materials", "sustainable approach", "sustainable architecture" of which this idiotic new building set is part of...in Singapore. Give me a break...how this horrible proposal can help, in any way this mega populated and polluted planet?...and they say zombies have no brains...

Good Idea, Bad Results

With Christmas near by, zombies get all distracted. All those lights (I hate LEDs!!!), the idea of bringing the forest into the house (weird humans)... we are just not focus. We were doing some construction work yesterday, placing metal poles so people won't park on the sidewalk...but we forgot to move our own car out of the way first.

Unfortunately our boss did not share the Christmas spirit and fired us all. Stupid festivities. Stupid boss.

Useless Christmas Gift Ideas I

I am kind of getting sick on all these "I-(put a name here)" thing. 

Zombie Christmas Present Idea IX

Zombies love presents!!!!... I for one have a mega-large Christmas present list. As I understand it, the world is divided in two: good and naughty. I have been very naughty, so I am ready to get the mother load of presents!!!. This one is on my list... 

Things I Learned in 2011

1. That democratic demonstrations look better in foreign countries.

Excuses Given to me by Female Zombies I

I have no luck with girls... they have the tendency to break up with me, quite fast, to be honest. I have compiled a list of all the explanations given to me when I am being dumped.
Today's choice:
"I need time to think"

Really?.... so that means that when you are with me I am so overwhelmingly handsome that I block your ability to think?????????.... give me a break.

Do Girls Talk Like This?

I am not sure, but surely I have heard most of these sentences before. I find this video funny and entertaining. Zombies love to have fun. We are fun entities. Zombies rock!

Zombies Hate Architects!

Zombies do not need a fancy place where to sleep. We are more outdoor kind of beings. It is not that we dislike architecture...we just don't see the point.
Now...proposals like this one in South Korea...that is another story. Some people dislike it, some just hate it. I see it as a 9-11 slap in the face. But what do I know...I am just a zombie.

Reasons Why Zombies Approve Necrophilia III

Actually these zombies are right!...zombies approve necrophilia because we do it based on the idea that both participants (although we love a triage) are...dead!

Christmas Ideas for Zombies XC

Zombies love gadgets and toys (specially male zombies). I like these Plants Vs Zombies figures that I play with when I am not looking for brains. It's like playing with Mini-me.

Creatures Scarier Than Zombies II

Even though, I am more afraid of the Man with the horse face that can talk...

Do Zombies like Nikes?

No we don't...actually we don't care. We will buy the runners that appeal the most to us, based on the few information available through TV, radio or other media advertising. The more they advertise the higher the chances that we will buy from them.
I am wearing my Nikes right now just because I loved this TV commercial.

Are Zombies Womanizers?

First of all not all zombies are male -let's be clear-. Secondly, zombies are loners, we dislike company. If at any given moment in time we decide to start a relationship, both parts know that is not going to be for a long run, mostly because one or the other will deteriorate faster than the better half.

Having that in mind, we get separation anxiety. To prevent us for getting the blues, we go to the taxidermist, who for a small amount of money can stuff the wife's head (funny enough wives have the tendency to just move on) and we display them in our living rooms. Is a nice way to remember and...to decorate!

How to Prepare for a Zombie Christmas 4

Start by learning some Zombie Christmas  Carols. Zombies love music but we hate improvisation. If you play an instrument just learn the tune, go outside and start cracking' ... zombies will find you. Don't get scared, we are there for the music not the brains. We will get to that when you stop playing.

How to Prepare for a Zombie Christmas 3

Start by decorating your home. Please avoid ugly ornaments like bows and Santa Claus images.... they are so 20th Century. Don't use a fake Christmas Tree...zombies hate fake. Go to your nearest forest and chop couple of trees. They are there for you to take and they are free!

Hang couple of Zombie-related Mistletoe so we know where to locate you when we get hungry for brains.

How to Prepare for a Zombie Christmas 2

How to Prepare for a Zombie Christmas 1

First, learn all your Zombie Carols.  We love gatherings and we love Christmas Zombie songs. More to come...

Zombies Don't Exist!

Idiots!...we DO exist. I am writing this here and now, so you better believe. For evidence just grow some brains (not an easy task for you)...then we will find you.

Is is True that Zombies Love Ice Cream?

Make no mistake. The number one thing we crave is brains, no doubt...but ice cream comes in a very descent number two. We die (funny) for ice cream.

The Dark Side is Real

Traveling around the world I have realized that George Lucas just stole ideas from here and from there. This is a picture I took a long long time ago, way before Star Wars...

Unanswered Questions IX

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

India Got...Talent?

Zombies are suckers for reality shows. We strongly believe that somehow we will get a chance to come out of the crowds and become a star, or at least a millionaire. Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame and...the cash that comes with it.
Between many many reality shows nowadays, there is one called "__________(put your country's name here) Got Talent"... a very successful franchise where anybody has the chance to become famous. This is India's 2011 finalist. They got talent, no doubt....

Zombie Kisses as per Your Request

As per the request of my good friend zombie MB, here are some pics of us zombies kissing whatever we can. Beneton has contacted me for next year's photo shoot, so you know. Again, zombies are kissable, try it!

Free Land for All Zombies -asks Lord Vader-

You can't deny that one of our best representatives and a big movie star, Lord Vader is an important zombie. He found out that in the City of Odessa the Mayor decided to give for free beach front land to some people.

"I have learned that at the Odessa Municipality the Mayor and Council have become part of the Dark Side and I am coming to get a free piece of land to be able to station my spaceship". he said. Following procedure he was sent to the proper office to fill out the paperwork.

Soon we all have a beachfront in Odessa, Thanks Lord Vader!

Zombies are Better Kissers than The Pope

Beneton just missed a great opportunity. Instead of using Obama and the Pope for their 2011 advertising campaign, they could have used zombies. Zombies are great kissers, everybody knows that.
Zombies are in, Popes are so nineteen century.

Zombies Hate Charity

Zombies are self-sufficient. We hate charity. If we need something, we just take it.

Poll Number 156. Zombies Vs Vampires

Reality is that we are way more popular, but vampires have the tendency to buy out poll companies.

Letters to The Zombie CI

"Dear Zombie:

My son, 9 (that is the age, not his name) is unfocused when it comes down to studying. He easily gets distracted and the more I discipline him, the less interested he seems to become a good student. I have done everything I can think of to motivate him with zero results. I even took thin to Occupy Wall Street and asked him "is THIS what you want to become when you grow up?"... and he replied "camping!, great". Please help me.

Desperate House Wife"

Dear Desperate House Wife:

Often little ones get distracted by their surroundings. Any little think will activate their imagination and the creative part of their little unflavoured brains. That can not be good. I highly recommend you to buy The Isolator.
This scientific wonder will keep your child's eyes where they belong: on the books. It even comes with an oxygen canister to prevent asphyxiation. The combo of scheduled beatings (to break his should and will) and the Isolator did wonders for me. I highly recommend it.

Amazing ideas a Zombie won't have...

Zombies are creative but these people take it to the next level. I am traveling over there to eat some tasty brains...finally!

It Is Important to Have Fun When you Are at Work.

Be creative. The whole idea of working is not to make money (I hope you have figured out that already) but to entertain your mind...no matter what is your line of work, always find a way to make it fun.

Is Good to Have Friends in Higher Places

Just so you know...zombies have friends in higher places. Watch it!

Man's Brain vs Woman's Brain

Zombies are very much into brains. Often I go to lectures to understand better my addiction. I share this knowledge with you.....

Real Important News!

Justin Bieber has been ordered to make a paternity test to see if he really is the father of little  Mr. Oops AND Dr. Conrad Murray has been found guilty of  involuntary manslaughter in the 2009 death of the Thriller singer and zombie hero Michael Jackson.

Forget about Occupy XXX... these are REAL issues, not pity whining because you are not a zillionare. Focus people, focus.

Occupy The Planet

I am with the "occupy___________" (put any name here). Zombies are ahead of you by far. We have been occupying the planet slowly but surely. We don't need tents nor signs. We will dominate the planet sooner than you think, just don't say anything.

Do Zombies Have a Soul?

I don't know...do people?
Humans have this idea that somewhere inside their body there is such thing called "soul" -even though others call it "the force" but they are a different breed. I have searched all my body for this "soul". First I emptied my pockets and nothing (actually zombies carry no stuff inside their pockets). Then I searched all available entrances to my body and... nothing.

If there is such thing as a "soul", please let me know where to find it. I would like to have a talk with it (and please don't tell me to look for James Brown)

Friendly Advise to Wives III

Zombies work hard. It is not easy to go out there and hunt for fresh brains (first we must find people with brains which is staring to be an impossible task), then scare the hell out of them, all done in slow motion.

I come back home exhausted !... the least the wife can do is to be all freshened up, nice and in a great mood ready to entertain me to compensate for a hard day. Let's be real... wives stay at home doing basically nothing!

From The Book of Knowledge MMMXXXIII

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

Miscommunication

My therapist says that what happened was not my fault, that was a miscommunication problem. everybody knows that zombies love chocolate, so obviously last night was a good day to get one of my favourite treats  ...for free! -considering that FREE is one of my favourite words also-.

So... I am all set up and ready with my soon to be full with chocolate pillow case (I have seen kids do that so why not me) and I started wondering the streets and knocking at all doors to get my precious  free delight. All I have to do, according to my research is to say a stupid phrase "trick or treat". Not that hard for such an immense reward.

At first I thought that my eyes were tricking me... all I could see were sample-size chocolates!... I want the REAL DEAL, not samples...so I kept going. My blood pressure was getting quite high by the 10th house...al was the same, sample-sized chocolate.

After an hour of hard labour, my pillow case was half empty of stupid size chocolates. I trowed away other junk like potato chips, candy, pennies (pennies!!!) and stuff that was not chocolate. But then, out of frustration I asked a woman what was the reason for these miniature chocolates. "They are FUN-size" she said. I got mad. FUN SIZE?... how can a miniaturized portion of a treat be FUN?

FUN my #$^$$##$#@!!!!!..... I yelled at her. She got mad and yelled at me. Then in self defence I hit her with my half empty pillow case. She called the police. Stupid woman. My therapist says is not my fault... we agreed to blame the incident on my relationship with my mom. That always makes bad experiences go away. Fun-size problems, I guess....

A Halloween Present for My Vampire Friends

Why don't you all just die?...we have reached 7 billion. We don't need you. Die.

Ideas For Halloween Costumes III

To go with the times, and knowing that zombies are hot (yes we are)...here I share with you a GREAT halloween costume idea: the terrorist-zombie. It combines two of the biggest fears America have. Also is cheap to make at home. 

Tombstones to Remember CI

Everybody is entitled to their own opinion

In my world, everybody is entitled to their own opinion. The problem is that most of the time people's opinions are wrong.

From The Zombie Cook Book III. The Brain Shot

As halloween is upon us, and considering that I am a very sharing zombie, I am going to give you my secret and very personal recipe for some brain shots that will keep your guests wondering what is wrong with you.

This cute beverage is really simple to make and, considering the price of fresh brains nowadays, this can help you to improve your cool factor and not empty your bank account. First of all you will need vodka -please don't buy a cheap brand... we are zombies not Wall Street Cry Babies.

First pour the vodka with a tinny bit of lime juice, then using a thin straw drop a small amount of Bailey's irish Creme into the vodka/lime juice mixture. The Irish Cream will take the texture of brains...cool, now add a splash of grenadine into the shot to get the effect of blood and voila!!!!

Your welcome.

Insecurities...

If zombies hate something is insecurity...I think.

Of Heroes and Men

Zombies are very much into heroes. I love heroes, probably because I am one  (I am one, but please don't say anything). In today's troubled times, heroes are in demand and, thanks God, they are starting to come out of the closet and showing up everywhere, like my good friend Phoneix Jones who started kicking some ass couple of weeks ago in Seattle, Wa.

Phoenix was doing his job when the police got him and charged him with a pepper spray attack. My guess is that police didn't like competition or they are afraid that superheroes will actually turn them over to justice as most of the time they are the crooks.

If you are a superhero waiting to come out of the closet, please contact the Rain City Superhero Movement and let them know your values. Costume is required.

Games Children Play. Worldwide Edition IV

If one thing I have learned when traveling around the world is that children's games change accordingly to their culture, social and economic situation, environment and sadly, they tend to imitate what grownups do.
One associate games with fun, but I guess that idea is wrong. This is a sad example of that. Today this zombie is upset.

Night of the Vampire Chihuahuas!

Few people know that couple of weeks prior to Halloween, vampire chihuahuas come out and start attacking with no mercy. Don't say I did not advise you... be careful or you will suffer the consequences. 

Cracking The Batman Code

Zombies love Batman. He is one of us. I have been studying Batman for a long time -as a fact I have two PHDs on Batmanology and Supeherology-. but...he is a mystery. I am trying to crack the code and I feel I am closer than ever...

Ways to Break With Your Couple IV (Zombie Advise)

Just type: We have to talk... (better if done by using Messenger or Text Message). Also please remember it is way more fun if done while you are driving.

It's Easier to Hate

If something is clear to me (I feel philosophical today) is that is easier to hate than to love. That is what I like about this video. NOBODY would hug (even get near him) the guy without a loveable furry funny costume... at least as a zombie, I know that people won't try to get near me, which is fine with me. Go and hug furry cute bears please.

From The Book of Knowledge MIMICIX

Smart people are always full of doubts...isn't it?

Zombies are Resilient

Emergency crews called to an accident on a film set in Toronto were confronted with alarming blood and gore - but it wasn't as bad as it looked.

Actors dressed as zombies for the latest Resident Evil film were injured when a high platform moved suddenly.

"It did kind of catch us off-guard when we walked in," said police Sergeant Andrew Gibson.

Twelve actors were taken to hospital with injuries ranging from bruising to a broken leg.

"I could see the look on the first paramedic, saying 'Oh my God'," Toronto emergency medical services Commander David Ralph told Associated Press news agency.

The accident happened when the zombie actors were moving between two platforms at the Cinespace Film Studios in Toronto and a gap opened up, police said.

Seven of the injured zombies were walking again on the set later in the day.