On my way back...

On my way back from my trip to Zzyzx, there was an interesting intersection, which you can see in the picture. As I am a brave zombie, I decided to take the "Hell" route. Guess what...it took me to my mother in law's house. Great.

Whisfull Thinking. Tombstone Ideas IV

She can not say she was highly appreciated. I am a witness.

A Day Off...

Even zombies need a day off, so yesterday I went to one of my favourite places to enjoy a great cloudy and rainy day: Zzyzx, where death is closer than appears. One can only hope.

During the day I did something I like to do quite a bit: nothing. I drove 22 hours to get there, stayed for about 45 minutes and then headed back home for another 22 hours (with no bathroom breaks). In order to make my drive more miserable I decided to bring along my adolescent son, who clearly knows how to annoy me and complain just about anything.

Part of the idea of the trip was to see if they have opened a  Four Seasons Hotel there, as I keep sending them the idea for five years in a row. It is not there yet, so I will keep sending my correspondence three time per week as I do. I know they will listen.

That was a good day. I should do this more often.

Do Zombies Wear Eyeglasses?

That is a stupid question. Of course we don't (have you ever seen a zombie with eye glasses?).

When you get to be a mature zombie, like me, you learn that there is absolutely NOTHING worth while to see. Please tell me, what should I see that I haven't seen. The last time I though that something was worth while to see I was soooo disappointed, and that was the last Harry Potter Movie.

And, please don't come and say that a sunset, a kid smiling, a puppy or the Eiffel Tower are a good reason to wear glasses because I will find you and eat whatever leftover brains you might have.

Mysteries of the World IV

Zombies are very curious. We love to solve all sorts of things, but some of them are just inexplicable, for example The Pyramids, Roswell, Crop Circles, Marriage, Women and Teens. No reasonable explanation whatsoever.

Twilight Series

For us zombies, the Twilight series is nothing but a water down  version of Hello Kitty with a touch of porn for Goths wannabes.

Should I buy an iPad?

As you all know, zombies are techno-geeks. We love technology and gadgets. I have been thinking that I NEED an iPad. To help me with my decision I am using this chart. Somehow I have a better idea of what I will do.

If you don't speak Spanish, use Google translate or contact the Immigration Office. They have lots of Spanish speakers handy.

Memories with an Edge

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

From The Book Of Knowledge LLIV

Live your life as if it is the last day you were alive. One day, you will be right.

Violence Turns Zombies On!

Following the day before yesterday's events in Vancouver I have made an incredible discovery. Zombies are turned on when they feel violence around them. I am not making this up...I have proof!

Now I know why the wife gets all exited when we have a fight. I have been misreading her all these time!!. Now I know what to do.

Zombies react to the NHL Stanley Cup Finals

Zombies love sports. We like more to watch them than playing them. For us, watching a game on TV, or better, at the local pub or on a public gigantic screen TV is one of the pleasures in life. More so if alcohol and pot is in the mix. We just go crazy!

Yesterday were the finals for the Stanley Cup -hockey league, for all of you who are ignorants-. It was awesome!. I really don't recall the game, but the aftermath was epic. Tons of intoxicated zombies screaming revenge (the local team lost) and venting by destruction. They turned downtown Vancouver upside-down. Looting, burning, destroying, hurting and, of course, taking pictures for Face Book and for Youtube.

I can imagine all of them showing their friends their epic pictures. Thanks to the Privacy Act the police won't use those pictures against them...right?
The pride, the joy.

How to Know if a Zombie is Angry

Zombies are easy to read. We are very emotional and we have the ability to express our feelings by just looking to our faces. You have to be very dumb not no notice if we are happy or unhappy.

I am The Center of the Universe!

Yes I am. As a real zombie all I can think of is ME. I strongly believe that the Universe was created for me and I am convinced that if I didn't exist nothing would have existed. As an immortal, I can't picture the world without me, but if die -an improbability- the whole universe will disappear, just like that.

(Somehow I feel like a teen today) I wonder why.

Letters to The Zombie: problems before a party

Dear Zombie:

I am going to have a party and I just discovered that my cooler is broken. It is Summer and it is VERY hot. Any advice to keep my beer ice cold?

Desperate Beer Drinker

Dear Beer Drinker, it is quite easy. Please use my system as in the picture. Problem solved. Also is a great solution as when your friends need to go to the washroom they can re-fill at the same time.

Zombies are Cool!

Yes we are. From e very young age, a zombie learns that in order to be cool one must do certain things that will get you in valuable social circles. I started smoking when I was 8... oh joy. The feeling of the smoke going through your lungs and sucking the life out of you.... incredible!

If you don't smoke, I highly recommend you to try it. Is not addictive, its fun and makes you feel muy macho. Think about it... the most important presidents of the US have been -or are- big smokers.... don't you want to be successful?

Exclusive Preview on iOS 5

Everybody is waiting to get a look at it. This zombie has a preview for you. I know the right people.

Zombies Eat Lobster Too!

Yes we do. We have very delicate taste. We do love brains -but not all brains, stupid people brains taste like dirt- but also we love to eat lobster. I myself, love blue lobster meat. I highly recommend it.

Zombies are Immortal!

Well...not really, but almost. If we don't find one of those crazy stupid people who want to blow out our heads, then we are pretty much safe. We won't get sick, we won't die of starvation (we can not die, we are already dead) and if we are on an accident, we survive -probably missing one arm or a leg, but who cares-.

Being a zombie has huge advantages.

Zombie Sayings VI

A zombie a day keeps your brains away....

Do Zombies Use Condoms?

Oh yes we do. We are very resourceful creatures and we do lots with little items like a condom. I actually don't know what would we do without them.

Zombie's Etiquette Rule # 85

When eating someone's brains, you must finish all of it. Remember that there are many hungry little zombies out there that go to bed with no brains in their stomachs.