Zombie Basic Training I

A day without sunlight is not the same as a night. It just looks like it.

From the Book of Knowledge I

Death is for life

From the Zombie Book of Etiquette MCIV

When engaging with a young human, under fifteen years of age, before eating his brains be polite and ask him his Christian name, so you can create a comfortable eating environment. If he is unresponsive -like most tweens are- then refer to him as "boy"

From The Book of Knowledge IX

You can get everything in life...if you lower your expectations.

Can Zombies Cook?

You bet!
Check this zombie's new cooking website... www.justaguycooking.blogspot.com, If I was not a zombie I so would learn how to cook like him.

Myths and Realities of Zombies XXXIV

It is absolutely untrue for zombies to say that zombies only want one thing: brains. We also like sex -and Twinkies-

From The Book of Knowledge MCIV

Zombies NEVER apologize. You are allowed to explain that you are sorry about the rule and explain that that's the way it is.

How Do I Know if I becoming a ZOMBIE?

Accordingly to the University of Florida (actual fact), these are the symptoms that you might have before you become a zombie -voodoo not included-

Hour 1:   Pain and discoloration of the infected area, immediate clotting of the blood.
Hour 5:   Fever (99-103˚C) , chills, slight dementia (starts to sound too close for comfort?), vomiting        and acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8:    Numbing of extremities, increase fever (by now it should be around 103˚C  - 106˚C ), increased dementia (YES, like your mother's), starts craving a Skinny Double Late from your local coffee shop, loss of muscular coordination (which proves that I was born a zombie... ask all my Gym Teachers)
Hour 11:    Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness (like when you find your wife having sex with your best friend), slowed heart rate.
Hour 16:    Coma (NOT PERIOD)
Hour 23:    Reanimation

And I will add:

Hour 24: Sense of happiness, joy, immortality, finally you don't have to listen to Justin Bieber's "music" anymore and a sense of Zen.

From The Book of Knowledge III

Everybody is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

From The Zombie Book of Revelations I

Chapter I, episode I, first Zombie Revelation. "God is an Atheist"... so why shouldn't I be one?

Zombie Teacher Wisdom I

Teaching is the greatest act of optimism... do you ever wonder WHY Zombies don't eat children's brains?... they have no brains at all!!!!!

Why Do Zombies Walk Soooo Slow?

Easy. If we walk fast then we have more chores to do during the day. The slower you are the less work is expected from you.

From The Book Of Knowledge CXLIV

For lonely zombies insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations (Zombie Nation Rules!) and epochs... insanity is the rule.

From The Book of Zombie Etiquette CXXIV

Always wait until your hosts have gone before masturbating at the dinner table.

Zombies Are Cowards!...NOT!!

You can say a lot of things about zombies... you can think a lot of things about zombies...we care. One thing is a SURE thing: you will NEVER -and I mean never- find a coward zombie. We don't run for our lives (petty humans); if you point a gun to our heads we keep walking towards you; if you threaten us with your best machete... we still will walk towards you. Zombies are little brave soldiers, I tell you.

What Kind of a Creature are You?

According to the Book of Knowledge, Creatures are divided, first, in TWO categories: disposable creatures and somehow useful creatures; the first ones we call them FIRST TIER CREATURES.

Somehow Useful Creatures belong to one -and only one- of the SEVEN Master Sub-categories, which are shown in my chart. If you don't fit in any of these 7 categories, then you belong to the First Tier.

Do Zombies Get a Haircut?

I actually shave my head...it is cheaper and cooler, besides that I actually look like Mr Clean. A common job for zombies is actually a barber, but we don't last long on those jobs.

Do Zombies Sleep?

I do sleep. Actually I sleep like a baby -I wake up every three hours and cry-

From The Book of Knowledge IX

Cooking a meal for your host is a nice gesture but ordering a pizza and offering to chip in for your part is easier.

How to Find True Love I

Find something GREAT about her. Desire it. Love it. Enjoy it.