Zombie's Can Predict The Future! -finally-

Finally...thanks to technology zombies can now predict the future. I found my old and trusty set of tarot cards.
While I am getting ready to come out of the bunker -tomorrow is the big day- I will read my own future. So, now...I can say...the future is in my hands.

From The Zombie Book "Great Excuses to Breakup" #1

Going through my belongings while waiting until dust settles on the post-apocalyptic world I found my precious book, long time forgotten -I memorized them all of it-. So, here I am ready to share the first one. ADVICE: They are bullet-proof.

If you are fed up, tired, bored or had enough of the same everyday (including same sex)...then use one excuse from my book. Sample number 1:

"You must remember that I told you I was a free spirit"

PS: Don't try to profit from these...they are copyrighted.

Twinkie Recipe for Lonely Zombies I

LOG DAY 8. Bored to death...funny. Decided that today I am going to have a feast. A Twinkie feast. Today's menu is Twinkie Wiener. As I am so generous I will share my secret recipe for posterity (the world has ended so hopefully one day aliens will come and find this blog and learn about the only intelligent species on Earth: zombies. Here it goes:
INGREDIENTS: 6 wieners, 6 Twinkies open sideways, 1 can of pressurized cheese flavour substance such as "Easy Cheese".
Cut Twinkies sideways. Leave the creamy filling.
Warm the wieners, 6 at the time (who can eat less than 6?)
Put all together, unless you are stupid, in which case then you are on your own.
Spread 1/6th of the cheese substance in the "bun"
Enjoy.

I will have my feast watching another classic movie: Intercourse with a Vampire , hopefully will be better that yesterday's.

Zombies Love Spielberg's Movies

LOG DAY 7. Another day, another disappointment. It just happens that Santa didn't bring me nothing. Stupid fat ill-dressed character. Now he is in my Black Book. While patiently waiting for dust to settle in what we use to call planet Earth, I am here alone in my bunker. Lsat night I decided to start watching my Classic Movie Collection (I was prepared for the Apocalypse..didn't I say that?). Zombies love Classic Films. I decided to watch Steven Spielberg's classic Shaving Ryan's Privates. Honestly I didn't like it...don't know how it got 5 Academy Awards...

Zombie Alone In Christmas

LOG Day 4...home alone for Christmas. This is just sad. No idea when will I be able to go out and evaluate the amount of damage after the Apocalypse. Still no signal, no power no water. Kind of getting sick of eating Twinkies. Craving brains. But, nevertheless alone for Christmas. I did plan for my Christmas tree and decorations, so hopefully Santa will find me here and bring me tons of presents. Zombies love Santa. Zombies love sad Christmases. Ho-ho-sob-ho

Alone in The Planet Day 3

LOG, Day 3. I fainted the day before yesterday, probably because of Twinkie overload. All lattes are spoiled -a miscalculation-. I have no signal on my iPhone, my iPad, my Mac or my tin can phone. No TV, no radio signal. I can only conclude that the world has ended as predicted by the Mayans. In my bunker, 25 meters underground, its cold and dark. I received some sort of signal from another creature that claims to have an annoying wife...poor guy (I rather die)... two of my pets remain sleep -stupid little fuzzy creatures-. They have been asleep since the night of the apocalypse . I will keep posting....

The World Is Gone....It Was True

Where is everyone?
I am inside my bunker and I can't reach anyone...my iPhone is getting no signal...I have no TV...the lights are all dead...the stove is not heating...I have no water....I think it really happened. I am cold.
I am drinking another cold latte -double rats- and Twinkies. Breakfast will be ready soon. I will wait a bit, I don't like dusty brains.

3 Hours to Go...Watch the Sky!!!

I have my telescope ready. I almost can say I can see something...my latter is cold -rats-. By the time you are reading this its...well...too late. Please have this as a memento. Don't say I did not warn you. If you want me to eat your brains first, please tag yourself with a #1 on your shirt, so I know.

Good luck human race. It's zombie time.

6 Hours to Go...

I just pee myself just thinking on the feast we all zombies will have tomorrow... just coming back from the pharmacy. I forgot toiler paper (YES people zombies poo too!), they didn't have 5 years worth but a  month will have to do. Then I will go guerrilla style.

I have heard from the radio that people are going bananas. Good. Please also eat something. I don't like to feed on empty stomach people.

12 Hours To Go...Fear is in The Air...Fun

Yes, it is happening. I have confirmation that the Mayans were right. Who would have known. It is rumoured that in Australia they woke up thinking that nothing happened...weird Australians. The Mayans did their predictions based on Mayan territory time.
In any event: my advise is...go crazy...don't wear condoms...is not like on the 22nd the girl is going to inform you that she is pregnant. CONDOM FREE DAY!!!!!

24 Hours to go...no more TGIF!

I am so exited. This is it...tic-toc, tic-toc....24 hours and counting...tic-toc. I am all ready. Got my Starbucks latte supply (five years worth), got my food (brains and Twinkies) and some porn magazines -yes, zombies have needs too!-. So, if the Mayans are correct, most likely you won't read this blog tomorrow... I will keep you posted.  I might post a hour-to-extintion post just to make fun of all of you. Ah!...also I have my iPone...and my iPad...and my laptop...and my comic book collection, including all the Bizarro VS Superman ones, which are my favourite.

Good luck guys.

48 hours and counting....

Yes, it is the Eve of the Eve of the end of the world. I have managed to secure a safe spot where I store all my snuggies and my emo hairstyle magazines, which I am sure will come back to fashion, along with my Pokemon and Star Wars collectibles. As I don't need much food nor water I am pretty much ready. All I need is my Starbucks latte...

End of The World Loophole!

It is a fact. If you have the ability to travel -and get on time- to Bugarach (south of France) you will be SAFE from the very much anticipated end of the world. It has been proven that The Mothership will arrive just in time to pick up humans of value and financial availability to get there...
YES, you guessed right...zombies are exempt from this End of the World deal, so you guys keep up the good work.

4 Days to The End...

Yep, 4 days. You better be prepared because I highly doubt that the Mayans were wrong. If you are planing to pay your Amex, don't... sex?...sure, why not (they say that the last one is the best one)...more updates tomorrow.

Nativity Scene Variations I

And I am not obsessed with Pop-culture. I just think that in a zombie Nativity Scene everybody is welcomed.

Is Gollum a Zombie?

Hmmm...on its own, NO. Gollum is a stupid greedy, ugly, skinny creature that has remorse. To start with, zombies have no remorse, and we have more colour... BUT...when it comes to cellphone usage, of course Gollum is a zombie. Zombies can't live without their precious little talking machines.

Zombie Christmas Ideas XXII

MAGNETIC POETRY....Yes, we zombies are very poetic. Deal with it.

Zombie Christmas Gift Idea XII

Zombies have feelings. We also want presents, regardless of the festivity. Christmas is a good excuse to receive presents.

Zombie's Law # 1

A zombie may not injure another zombie or, through inaction, allow a zombie to come to harm

The End of the World Countdown I

My pal Nostradamus said: "From the calm morning the end will come when of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9"
For that, and after numerous studies, zombies have concluded the following:

1. The end of the world is, as predicted by the Mayans....December 21st.
2. The Dancing Horse is PSY's hit
3. The number of circles (9) is the number of zeroes that a billion has. Exactly on December 21st PSY's hit on Youtube will be ...gasp... one billion.

Heroic as I am, I will keep posting until the last minute. Brave zombie I am.

Do Zombies do Insagram?

Nope. Zombies strongly believe that Instagram are for those who can't read..those who couldn't write emails, failed miserably messaging, hid on Tweeter and now their last resource is Instagram.

Do Zombies Tweet?

Not at all. Tweeting is for those who don't know how to spell. We are quite literate.

Unanswered Zombie Questions XXII

God knows...but I don't want to find out. I just can't imagine, Vampires and Zombies are like water and oil. Just can't imagine.

A Mexican Zombie?

Zombies hate discrimination. We don't discriminate nobody. According to the Urban Dictionary a Mexican zombie is a Mexican who stand outside uhauls (what is that?), Home Depot (a Mexican outside a Home Depot?...who is a Home Depot?) and construction sites (me no entiende construction site)...

Reason to Join The Zombie Clan I

That is the beauty of consuming brains...their are priceless...I mean, no price. No price no inflation. Another reason to become a zombie. Join us today!

That Was Not Me!

I swear...that one is not mine...I think...

Zombies Need Women to Balance Life

If not life...at least a vehicle. Good enough.

Zombie's Black Friday

You all are so busy with your buying frenzy that you don't even notice us.

Zombies are Optimistic

The way we read this sign is:
1. There is more food...somewhere, same taste and texture.
2. BBQ food. We like it
3. Where you find one human most likely there will be plenty more. Feast time.

Zombie Math Women's Style

Zombie women are almost the same as male zombies, again...almost.

Zombies Math I

Math is almost a natural occurrence in zombies...almost.

From the Book of Knowledge MMIV

My good friend Mark told me once: "Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint". We was right.

Zombie Children are Weird...

No kidding....I agree that childhood is a very weird joke that life throws at us at early age...but, really?...a child that likes turtles (stupid brainless slow creatures) and teachers (stupid brainless slow creatures)?....weird is an easy way to express my feelings.

Do zombies Have Memory?

Actually we do. Just last night I was trying to sleep looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself...where the heck is the ceiling?

Planet of the Donkey (not the movie)

Surreal....but true. Humans, what are you gonna do.

Do Zombies Go to Heaven?

If it is open...why not.

Putting Kids to Bed Zombie Style

Sometimes kids need a different approach when it comes to rules. Do your kids give you grief at bedtime?...hire a zombie. We fix pretty much everything in a loving and caring way.

Star Wars 7...top secret

YES, you can say you read it here...this is the opening sequence for the new Disney owned Star Wars 7...I am already in line to be the first one.

MY Halloween Costume for 2012

NOBODY will notice me. The perfect plan.

Weird Halloween Costumes IV

This is my last Halloween costume post in 2012...just want to say that is not a bad idea using a festivity -like Halloween- to introduce your child into new career opportunities

Weird Halloween Costumes III

Is your kid the kind that terrorizes the neighbourhood ?... easy ... let him to to gather candy in his usual outfit. He will get lots of candy...and money too!

Weird Halloween Costumes II

No kidding...this is weird even for a zombie (and the dad looks happy)

Weird Halloween Costumes I

Humans are quite peculiar. They fear zombies because "we eat brains"...where they eat ...poultry...and...gasp...kids. Weirdos.

Zombie Intimate Confession VI

YES...I confess.... I have used EPO many times before. Sorry Lance, I guess you were not the only one.

New Titanic Movie!

And it is not a 4D James Cameron movie...it is Killer Zombies from the Titanic. I am camping outside the movie theatre right now. It opens December 1st. Can't wait.

Is There Such Thing as a Zombie God?

YES....I AM a Zombie God.

Zombie's Wisdom I

Life is one percent luck, ninety eight percent perseverance and two percent accuracy.

Zombies Hate Competition!

Yes we do. Now, out of the blue, in Pakistan there is this stupid amoeba which enters trough the nose (here it goes for all those weird "neti pod" users) and starts eating away people's brains. It drive me nuts!...where is the elegance and cache that we provide when we eat brains?... entering through the nose?...really?...that is just disgusting.

Zombies have an Eye for Subliminal

Zombies have the ability to see beyond what humans do. Just a quick glance and we are able to see hidden messages, which are not visible to vulgar creatures, like humans.

I was re-watching one of my favourite movies, The Silence of The Lambs, and I noticed that there is more in the image than I imagined. I love subliminal images.