Objects That Can Hurt a Zombie

Zombies have the ability to have accidents with sharp objects. Never the less, sometimes we need to use these miserable objects for every days tasks. Once I gathered enough courage I went to the store and purchased a pair of...gasp...scissors . Zombies should not be near scissors as we can cut ourselves. We dislike physical pain.

With my brave heart I went and bought this instrument from hell so I can cut some paper figures for my art project due Monday (stupid assignments that first grade teaches leave to un-skilled zombies). Now I am lost. They don't work!!!

I have tried and tried to cut my paper figures but this stupid thing is not collaborating. I hate scissors and I hate first grade art projects.

I am a Recycler!

Zombies are very eco-concious. We recycle everything. We love to recycle. We are as sustainable as it can be (we are re-cycled life!!). Following my nature I have decided to start recycling some stuff...I am starting with Metal.

I will post later other recycling ideas I have.

I am feeling a bit masochistic

Sometimes I feel masochistic. Somehow I need to hurt myself... I know its not "normal" but zombies are not supposed to be "normal".

Yesterday I woke up feeling like doing something that would hurt me. I spent all day trying to gather ideas on how to achieve such event. Thanks to the TV programming I found the solution. I managed to re-watch the movie Artificial Intelligence. If watching it for the first time was hurtful ... the second time hurts like crazy. I am a happy zombie.

Things that Contemporary Kids will Never Know III

The new generation of kids -those little annoying creatures- will NEVER know the connection between these two objects. Stupid little creatures.

Are All Zombies The Same?

Not really. Each zombie has its peculiarities and own personality -unlike humans-. If you want to get to know a zombie you must approach him/her, with caution as we are extremely shy, and try to know us better. Please don't get confused by trying to establish conversation with a zombie-look-a-like, there are plenty of them and as far as I am concerned, they all are weirdos. Don't say I did not warn you.

And please don't start a conversation with "are you going to eat my brains?"... it is quite pretentious of you to assume that you actually have brains. Chances are that you don't.

What Happened to Yesterday's Post?

One of the unknown abilities that zombies have us that we can control time. We have the power to create, stop or add time to our convenience. As it happens, yesterday I was wasting my time elsewhere and I was unable to do my daily post. Bot that you care or notice.

As I am a zombie with fixed routines, I am going to use my time-twisting powers to declare that yesterday did not exist. That's right... I am wiping out July the 22nd 2011. Gone. Everything that happened yesterday will happen eventually or already happened before. If you paid your American Express yesterday you will have to pay it -again I guess- today, but if you didn't, you are not late.

Please don't send thank you comments about this. Pretty much was self serving.

Men and Apes

I don't know what upsets me the most in this video. The fact that those guys give the animal a gun or that the ape does not actually gets rid of them. Behaviour is the same, though.

Answered Questions I

This is the actual way Stonehenge was built. True.

Unanswered Questions VI

Why in the world did Kamikaze fighters used helmets for?

Zombies For a Human Free Planet!!

That's right. we are working hard to accomplish our goal: a planet free of nasty smelly retarded humans. Some weirdo told me that we zombies need humans to survive as they represent our food source -brains-. They are wrong... we eat brains because we like the flavour but not because we are going to starve (we don't die, remember?).

So...one step at the time. In my area now we have parks where humans are not allowed. Zombies one, humans ZERO.

How Do You Make a Zombie Eat His Veggies?

Zombies by nature dislike vegetables. We like brains. Never the less some zombies -specially female zombies- keep insisting that one should eat a fair amount of veggies to stay healthy (to that I would say...I am a zombie who cares about health?).

If you want to be successful about this absurd endeavour, I recommend you try this: PRESENTATION. Presentation is everything in food. Be creative...think like a zombie. I eat some veggies, like the one on the picture. Somehow it appeals to me to eat it, just don't know why.

Not That Hungry

Advertisers strongly believe that we are stupid. Another sad example of subliminal advertising.

Getting Ready to Find a New Job

As I am committed to find a job, I decided to get up early and go out there and find it. In order to do so, I purchased this alarm clock just to make sure I don't miss the mark.

The way it works is: I place several one hundred dollar bills on top, and if I don't get up on time -I place the alarm clock at a distance-...then it starts to destroy a bill per minute. That should be encouragement enough... the only problem is that I am using the wife's money. That will teach her.

Looking for a New Job

Seems that being a zombie is not enough. The wife wants me to work (how dare she), but sadly I have discovered that my work skills are not good enough anymore. Took me years to learn the fine craft to create a blog and a web-page and now, on all the job interviews seems that I am talking of abilities that are past due.

In the last job interview I had the kid (that's right...a stupid good-for-nothing KID!!! asked me if I knew how to create Apps.... Apps? -I asked-.... "Thank you, that's all" -he replied-. My skills are not good anymore. What to do, what to do....

Bad Luck- Good Game

I like to go often to the race track last week to play Get The Critter. The object of the game is to squash as many creatures as you can with your car... you get points each time to convert one into a fancy decal.

My favourite is get the Chihuahua, but most people like smaller animals like rabbits (stupid little furry creatures) and squirrels. I hate when the creatures get lucky.

Anti-zombie Campaign

Zombies are not alone. There are millions and millions of pro-zombies that want us around....but there are a few unhappy beings that want us out. They are not going to succeed. We are a lot, we are organized -kind of- and most likely, your political representatives won't listen to you. They never do.

Am I a Smelly Dirty Zombie?

Somehow I thought I wasn't but the wife -who by fluke got to read my plans to get rid of her (stupid internet)- just told me yesterday that she is going to "take me to the cleaners". I don't get it...I bathe every year or every 5000 kilometres, whichever comes first. Weird (and insulting).

From The Book of Knowledge MCIV

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You Might Be a Zombie...

I would say...MOST LIKELY you are a zombie and you just don't know.

Zombies are Obsessed with Disasters. Titanic 3D

Oh yes we are. Zombies love big time disasters. We just can't stop learning more and more about the Titanic, the Hindenburg of  World War II. If they decide to put in film a disaster we are the first in line. I recall The Toweing Inferno, Earthquake, The Poseidon Adventure, The Day After Tomorrow, Independence Day, Deep Impact and W.

Now I can't just wait to go and enjoy 4 hours of 3D (YES...3D!!!) of the greatest disaster movie ever made: Titanic. Oh my God... watching the iceberg, the sinking, people dying in huge quantities and the horrible acting job and mega-boring loooooong love-dripping script. Zombies love to suffer.

Living In A First World Country Is Hard

I agree...problems here are of this magnitude, not like in Greece.

On my way back...

On my way back from my trip to Zzyzx, there was an interesting intersection, which you can see in the picture. As I am a brave zombie, I decided to take the "Hell" route. Guess what...it took me to my mother in law's house. Great.

Whisfull Thinking. Tombstone Ideas IV

She can not say she was highly appreciated. I am a witness.

A Day Off...

Even zombies need a day off, so yesterday I went to one of my favourite places to enjoy a great cloudy and rainy day: Zzyzx, where death is closer than appears. One can only hope.

During the day I did something I like to do quite a bit: nothing. I drove 22 hours to get there, stayed for about 45 minutes and then headed back home for another 22 hours (with no bathroom breaks). In order to make my drive more miserable I decided to bring along my adolescent son, who clearly knows how to annoy me and complain just about anything.

Part of the idea of the trip was to see if they have opened a  Four Seasons Hotel there, as I keep sending them the idea for five years in a row. It is not there yet, so I will keep sending my correspondence three time per week as I do. I know they will listen.

That was a good day. I should do this more often.

Do Zombies Wear Eyeglasses?

That is a stupid question. Of course we don't (have you ever seen a zombie with eye glasses?).

When you get to be a mature zombie, like me, you learn that there is absolutely NOTHING worth while to see. Please tell me, what should I see that I haven't seen. The last time I though that something was worth while to see I was soooo disappointed, and that was the last Harry Potter Movie.

And, please don't come and say that a sunset, a kid smiling, a puppy or the Eiffel Tower are a good reason to wear glasses because I will find you and eat whatever leftover brains you might have.

Mysteries of the World IV

Zombies are very curious. We love to solve all sorts of things, but some of them are just inexplicable, for example The Pyramids, Roswell, Crop Circles, Marriage, Women and Teens. No reasonable explanation whatsoever.

Twilight Series

For us zombies, the Twilight series is nothing but a water down  version of Hello Kitty with a touch of porn for Goths wannabes.

Should I buy an iPad?

As you all know, zombies are techno-geeks. We love technology and gadgets. I have been thinking that I NEED an iPad. To help me with my decision I am using this chart. Somehow I have a better idea of what I will do.

If you don't speak Spanish, use Google translate or contact the Immigration Office. They have lots of Spanish speakers handy.

Memories with an Edge

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.