Things to Do During a Zombie Apocalypse

Please disregard the green part of the chart. It's wrong. Instead try to kill your neighbour and steal their supplies. Zombies are harmless. I promise.

Perverted Advertising #143

Advertisers will use any trick on the book to get your attention. Subliminal adds annoy me. Even though I lost my brain, still my senses tell me that someone is trying to manipulate me. Wrong.

I Lost My Brain!!!!!

One of the most important things a zombie learns since day one is the importance of preserving their organs . Organs are not easy to get by, so keeping them is a good idea. I have always been very attentive to this mantra and I try to keep my organs in good shape and place, specially my three testicles and my brain.

It just happens that today I have discovered that I actually lost my brain. I am devastated. At first I just though that I was having a good day...no ideas whatsoever. That is a good thing. But then, after hours of doing nothing productive, like eating, reading comics, or playing Halo...I knew something was wrong. My first reaction was to check for my testicles...and yes, fortunately they are there -the three of them-, so the obvious following organ to look for was my brain. It was not there!!!!!

I don't know what to do. I called 911 and told them about my situation and they hanged on  me. Stupid 911. Then I called my wife, who just said..."what is new?".... women. I asked my teen son, who literally asked me "what is a brain?".... I am lost. Please help.

Please note that I am not looking for a substitute brain. I want mine. If it has been taken by the Taliban or by Gadhafi's army for ransom, I ready to negotiate. If it has been taken for scientific studies, please don't waste your time... there is nothing to look or discover. Please give me back my brain. I suffer.

Teenage Zombies, The Movie

Few things are free in life. A real jewel of cinema, here is for you all...Teenage Zombies. A classic.

i Zombie

Zombies love gadgets. We must have the newest and the latest. There I was sleeping on the street two days prior to the launch of the ever necessary iPad2 that will replace my old and inefficient iPad, which I got 6 months ago. I was not alone, though... a bunch of geeks, weirdos and brainless consumers were there too. I don't know why they had to be there... as far as I know, only zombies are gadget-needy. Weirdos.

Waiting for Help

Nowadays you don't get an actual person to listen to you, even in case of an emergency. True. Drives me crazy.

In case of a small trouble...who to call?

It's hard to make a decision like that in troubled times. My instinct would be to call a fellow zombie (you can always rely on a zombie) but because times are hard, now superheroes are doubling it up...For a small problem, call a small super-hero.

Coming Out of the Closet

Zombies have terrible memory. I don't recall when I became a zombie but I know I have been one for a long long time. The problem is, that I have never been open about it, until today. I have decided to come out of the closet.

In order to do so, I guessed I need to get into a closet first (so I can come out of it... right?...) so I started my quest to look for the perfect closet to come out of. My first inclination was to use my own closet, but sadly it is very small, as the wife occupies the big ones. I tried to fit into my own closet but it was just impossible. Too small.

The obvious option was to use one of the wife's. Good luck!. They are all full of...stuff. Oh my God. There are things there that she hasn't used for more than 25 years!... there is not even a single square inch available. I went to look for another available closet.

The next one was my teenager's. I almost got killed. As soon as I opened the closet door thousand of estrange objects came out of the closet. Footballs, socks (in ones), old salami pizza, world cup jerseys, magazines, long time forgotten -and assumed escaped- dead pets... there was no space for me to get in.

I moved on to my last resort. The tool closet. Bad idea. It is full of Christmas ornaments, old pictures, more of my wife's stuff, winter skiing clothing (even though we don't ski), the odd tool, cages of the assumed escaped pets, more dead pets and a complete Harry Potter outfit. No space for this sad zombie.

So...here I am, ready to come out of the closet with no closet available to come out of. I am depressed.

From The Book of Knowledge III.

If you want to make money really fast, win the lottery.

うんち・おならで例える原発解説

For those who don't speak Japanese... the title will be a mystery. I love how Japanese animate everything to get their message out. Just in case I have stopped eating my Fuji apples and my Tiramisu cake. I am avoiding all Japanese foods.....you know....they could be contaminated and I don't want to get sick.

Zombie Kid Likes Turtles

It's true. Zombie kids like turtles. They hate bunnies (stupid furry creatures) and french puddle dogs (they are ugly as hell). This kid is a real zombie.

How Do Zombies Manage Radiation?

Zombies are not affected by radiation (haven't you seen the movies?), so we don't need anything to prevent radiation from damaging our fragile bodies. In Russia they are over-buying red wine, in China they are over-buying salt and in the US and Canada they are buying iodine tablets. The belief is that iodine will prevent radiation to harm you. If that is the case I recommend two Big Macs and a Subway sandwich everyday. That is enough salt to save you from radiation.

Things I have Heard since the Japan Earthquake

The problem with having ears is that one is exposed to hear all sort of things, like it or not. Just this week I have heard so many stupid things about the Japan earthquake that my head is about to explode.

For example I was told "a friend of mine, who is psychic, told me that she knew hat the Japan earthquake was going to happen, date and everything... and... she said that something even worst will happen on April the 4th. Be prepared"

Really????...my head hurts. Stupidity hurts.

Zombies Hate Cute!

Oh, please... you can be with us or against us, but please avoid these displays of fake love and support. We highly dislike public displays of emotion. We are zombies no Hello-Kitty.

I miss Uncle Lurch

Uncle Lurch had a great job. He worked for the Addams Family. They really treated him well and he was happy. Few people know, though that he loved to dance. He was the Fred Astaire of the family.

Vampires and Werewolves are Cowards!

After the devastating earthquake that hit JAPAN, the stars of the Twilight series "Twilight, Breaking Dawn" Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner were evacuated from VANCOUVER ISLAND (Canada) because they feared for their lives as the waves in the beautiful town of Tofino raised about ONE foot.

One of them tweeted "They are evacuating us four because of the tsunami warning. If this is my last tweet, I love you".

I knew that vampires and werewolves were afraid of water, but this is just pushing it a bit, I think.

Reading Labels...

It's hard. We don't know the difference between hearts and wings...we only recognize brains. I went to the supermarket to buy chicken wings -a wife's command- and I came home with this... and she got mad at me. My excuse is... I don't know the difference between wings and hearths... why should I know that?

That is why they label things, isn't it?

Creatures Scarier Than Zombies #25

Clowns! I don't see myself as a scary creature...but stupid clowns????...are you kidding me?. Clowns are scary and creepy. All that face paint, the colourful clothing, the big shoes and... their laugh. They creep out the bravest zombie.

Do Zombies Get Sick?

Yes we do. A big difference between other creatures and us is that zombies resource to old fashion medications. I have been using pharmaceuticals since I was a little zombie. Not long time ago I could give my son a good dose of  Bayer's Heroin syrup to get rid of his coughing and I used to drink the balance of the syrup, just in case. He felt better and I felt amazing!.  I miss simple-old fashion medicine.

What happened to good old times?

Way back then life was more flavourful. We needed to go out and discover the world on our own. Now the internet takes a lot of fun out of our own lives. I miss old fashion porn.

From The Book of Knowledge LCV

Those who pretend earn more than those who actually produce. Be a pretender not a producer!

Presumed Guilty (Presunto Culpable)

If you thought that the scariest thing on earth was to encounter a naked zombie in the middle of the night... that is nothing compared to finding yourself in the middle of  the Mexican Judicial system, or worse, inside of a Mexican jail. Scary stuff.

This documentary has been censored so who knows until when they will allow me to have it here. Watch it when its here...

#4129 Fuji Apple

They think that zombies are stupid. We might look stupid but we are not -well, except some-. Now every time I go to do my grocery shopping they ask me: "would you like a bag?"...what do I suppose to do, put the groceries in my pockets?

As I am not an environmental-concious zombie, I don't carry with me those led-printed Chinese shopping bags. Therefore I am penalized and I have to pay some money for my environmental crime (goes from 2 cents to 10 cents a bag). I am told that that money will go towards "a noble charity" that can't be named nor proof of my contribution can be produced. So the message is clear: you pollute the environment with OUR non-reciclable plastic bags...you must be penalized.

All this rant because I wanted to complain of a nuisance that really bothers me... those stupid little stickers that EACH piece of fruit or vegetable has... they are certainly not recyclable nor ecologically sustainable. Per week most likely I trow away about 5 square inches of those stickers. Does that make sense?

My "smart phone" (not really smart, but that's OK) can take a picture of pretty much anything and tell me exactly what it is... but the supermarkets must attach the annoying stickers to everything we consume. Their staff is incapable of distinguishing a potato from an onion... and most of them carry a BA.

Weird world we are living in.

Is Charlie Sheen a Zombie?

He certainly looks like one, no doubt. After his 20/20 interview the Council of Operating Thetans (one of the most recognized zombie organizations) got together and had a 6 hour meeting to make an informed decision. We came to the conclusion that NO, Charlie Sheen is not a zombie.

We sent the file to AAA to see if he was one of them and it was sent back to us. Then we sent the file to Narcotics Anonymous and the same happened. We were confused... we don't know what to do with his file. Seems that UFO's Anonymous is claiming that he belongs to their organization. Tom Cruise's case was like that...until we came to the conclusion that he was a completely new species. We are working on it.  Stay tuned.

And what did you see Clarice?, what did you see?

I haven't seem uncle Meredith for a long time. After the movie came out he was pretty much in the open but, after that much publicity he went into hiding. Thomas Harris' Hannibal Lecter character was based on my uncle Meredith who loved to have people for supper. He was -is- a great cook, though. I can't forget his famous strawberry-brain cheese cake. It was delicious!

At first uncle Meredith was a bit upset because Thomas Harris changed his name to Hannibal, but honest to God, would you have gone to see a movie where the main character is called Meredith?

24 Hours of a Zombie Life

Being a zombie is not an easy task. We are busy creatures, no doubt. I can't remember a time when I had a nice quiet moment for me. Life is hard, that is for sure.

Reversible Dog

This lovely dog (?) was created to build confidence on you. If you think you are ugly I urge you to buy one of these... you will feel better.