To Kiss a Zombie

Zombies are GREAT kissers. Everybody knows that. After watching on TV (they did not invited me to the wedding, so now they are on my black book list) William and Kate's kiss I have to say that I give better kisses to my cats. Sad.

Instead, when people learn that a zombie is ready to give a kiss, they line up and everything. We are AMAZING kissers, I tell you.

Looking for a Brand New -and improved- Wife

After the Pillow Disaster, I have decided to start looking for a new wife. I know I can not replace my lovely pillow, but the wife I can.
I am not picky, so all I need is obedience, fidelity, unconditional love and compatibility with my Mac. So far this is one of the finalists.

Places to Hide From a Zombie Attack

The flying fortress?...ha ha ha...You might think we will not get you. You are wrong. We are learning to fly helicopters and hot air balloons. You are doomed.

Wishful Thinking. Tomb Stone Ideas III

The nihilists are out of luck. My suggestion is that they should be buried naked, because, at the end of the day...who cares?

Requiem for A Pillow

A sad day was yesterday. My loyal companion since I was 10 years old, long long time ago, died. I still can't get over the shock. She was my confident, she was my friend in the good times and in the bad times. She will be missed big time.

She was given to me by my mother when I was 10. I used to sleep using a bag of rice as a pillow, but after many years of saving, one day my mother surprised my with something that I had never seen before: a pillow!

She became my best friend. Countless nights she was my quiet confident. She tolerated the hot summer days and was great comfort in the cold winter days. When I changed girlfriends, she was there for me. Then I married -I know...- she came with me. There was some jealousy but the wife understood that she was a deal-breaker. Or she accepted the two of us or i would walk. Then the two of us became three. It was fun.

She saw my son grow up. She was there for him also in the summer days and in the winter days. He became a man and she was still with me, thinner and thinner, but never-the-less with me. But then, I don't know how...I listened to the wife: "you should wash that pillow" she would say frequently, for years. And I should have know better (never listen to the wife). I had never washed my lovely pillow... it smelled like napalm in the mornings. I love the smell of napalm in the mornings. But, stupid me, I decided to listen to the wife. Obviously... big mistake.

She died alone. In the washer. There were feathers all over the washer... feathers that came from animals now considered extinct. There was nothing left. It was horrible. The horror.

She will be remembered forever. There will be mass all week remembering her. Please send money in lieu of flowers to The Pillow Foundation. This zombie is sad.

I Know What You Did Last Summer -with my iPhone-

As I have stated here before many times, zombies are gadget-fans. We love our gadgets, including the ever popular iPhone and iPad. The way we see the world is: either you have an iPhone and iPad or you are a looser. Don't even let me get started with those Android things...

Now we learn that the good people from Apple installed in all their products an active piece of technology that gathers information from their products when they are used and sends it to them. They get to know where you are, at what time, who did you call or the applications and data used via internet.

Also they get to pin-point your activities when you post photos, tag photos or use popular sites like twitter or flicker. The gadgets send to them the exact location using geo-tags. You don't need a rocket scientist to cross-over information and know everything there is to know about you and your most private thoughts. Cross-referencing data is a kids game. Nowadays we use our phones and computers to expose our lives to the world... feeling safe behind the screen of our gadgets.

There is an app called I Can Stalk U which searches twitter for posts that reveal location and creates a map pinpointing places where those pictures where taken. A home computer can scan more than 35,000 tweets and more than 20,000 pictures at any given moment.

I, for one,  think that Apple did this for a good reason, to keep me safe.  I highly doubt that they will profit from it or share that information. I strongly don't believe that the government can get access to my data. They both are looking after me to keep me safe and sound. I feel so protected. Thank God for Apple and the Government.

Zombies and Call Centres

Zombies hate to work, but we do it anyways... somebody has to do it. There are may places where the job is actually torture. One of them is the call centre, but there are many others, like McDonald's, Walmart or the complaint department of the tax office.
Working at a Call Centre is the equivalent of purgatory, unless you are the person on the other side of the phone-call, because you know that calling for help is actually hell.

Advantages of Being a Zombie # 889

When you are a zombie some body parts become stiff...which can be a GOOD thing.

From The Book of Knowledge III. Relationships

If you try to find your perfect match in love you will always fail, as there is no one equal or better than you. Always settle for an inferior creature. Acceptance is the key.

Do Zombies Brush their Teeth?

No we don't, but there is two good reasons for that. First it is simply impossible to find the right toothpaste...you can spend hours at the pharmacy looking for the proper one and you will just go crazy. I found this one that claims that you can have "3D white" ..I just can't imagine how am I going to make people to notice my white teeth using 3D glasses. Stupid.

The second reason is because... we can get spare parts, and that includes teeth. Why bother brushing?...

Zombie Easter Celebrations

CAUTION: IF YOU ARE RELIGIOUS PLEASE DON'T READ THIS POST. IT IS PURE PROFANITY. As you all well know, zombies love to celebrate everything. You could say we are party animals. As we celebrate all sorts of events, Easter is not an exception...and why not...if you think about it, the events fit the zombie profile...

Wishful Thinking. Tomb Stone Ideas LC

One must have all planned, including the wording on your tomb stone. I visit graveyards often to gather ideas for mine. I like this one quite a bit.

Childhood Memories. The Dumbo story

As I have said before, zombies are suckers for Disney movies. We love the character development and the lack of hidden messages. All clean fun. When I went to watch Dumbo in 1941 I recall I was so happy... more so because it was the first time that I could relate to a Disney character. Dumbo was my hero. I also was ridiculed by my peers because of my long ears and because my mommy was behind bars.  

Those Stupid Exit Doors

If the world is in peril, who can stop the only hope we have from saving us?....a stupid exit door. Go figure (although I think the door here is made of kriptonite)

Do Zombies Age?

Yes we do. The only difference is that we don't die , been there done that, remember?. The end result is that we go though different stages in life but we get stuck at the end of the line. Nobody escapes the curve of life. Start saving up for those diapers...your parents won't buy them for you this time around.

Double Zombie Wammo

Stormtroopers are one of the most well known zombies in the whole world. Everybody knows stormtroopers (unless you are in an alternate universe). This is a double wammo....as they are zombies as is, in this clip they play the role of a zombie. Zombies playing zombies. It can't get better than that.

Conversations with My Wife LCI

Trying to have a conversation with a wife can be a difficult task. My listening abilities are limited and I get distracted easily. I try, though.

From The Book of Knowledge XXVI

Karma is justice without satisfaction.

Do Zombies Have Issues?

Oh yes we do. We all do. I for one have issues with ugly people. They bother me quite a bit. They get out there, with their ugliness exposed and we are obligated to see them. Other zombies have different issues, like with work, with food, with money, with their past.... I just have issues with ugly people....and ugly babies are just plain creepy, like in the picture of my son when he was born. Ugly I tell you.

How to Celebrate Easter with a Zombie

Easy. Give your favourite zombie chocolates. Zombies love chocolates. Just be careful to buy the proper ones, as we absolutely hate bunnies (stupid little furry creatures) I suggest you buy one like this one. I for one, am expecting at least twenty or more like it. I love easter chocolate -not crazy about green chocolate but, hey...its Easter.

In search of my brain... the Afghanistan story

So far no luck. I have been unable to find my lost brain. As I won't give up easily I took a flight (by the way is soooo cheap, you should go there right now) to Afghanistan to look for it.

When we landed I saw this box that suspiciously looked that it could contain my brain. I went and ask the staff to open it for me but they refused. I believe I will have to do an undercover operation to get to this box and rescue my brain. I am almost sure its there. I will keep you posted.

It's not round!

I told you so. As usual, I was right. This is the latest model of Earth, thanks to the efforts of ESA's GOCE satellite which has gathered enough data to map Earth's gravity with amazing precision.

The new "geoid" was unveiled last week in Germany to prove me right and what it shows is that Earth is not quite round as you all little people believed. The gravitational forces change depending where you are located in the planet... that is (I need to explain you all....) that the gravitational pull ,on... let's say Mount Everest is higher that the one you get when you are in Acapulco.

If the planet is all crooked...what makes you think you are perfect?

Worst Things Than Encountering a Zombie

Finding out that you are actually  in love with your mother in law and not  with your spouse.