How Do I Know if I becoming a ZOMBIE?

Accordingly to the University of Florida (actual fact), these are the symptoms that you might have before you become a zombie -voodoo not included-

Hour 1:   Pain and discoloration of the infected area, immediate clotting of the blood.
Hour 5:   Fever (99-103˚C) , chills, slight dementia (starts to sound too close for comfort?), vomiting        and acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8:    Numbing of extremities, increase fever (by now it should be around 103˚C  - 106˚C ), increased dementia (YES, like your mother's), starts craving a Skinny Double Late from your local coffee shop, loss of muscular coordination (which proves that I was born a zombie... ask all my Gym Teachers)
Hour 11:    Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness (like when you find your wife having sex with your best friend), slowed heart rate.
Hour 16:    Coma (NOT PERIOD)
Hour 23:    Reanimation

And I will add:

Hour 24: Sense of happiness, joy, immortality, finally you don't have to listen to Justin Bieber's "music" anymore and a sense of Zen.

Zombies have Families?

Of course we do...and we all love brains!

For example I really like brains with black truffles, the current wife, Carmela, (they tend to die on me) likes them scrambled with blood oranges, Santino -the teen- likes them with canabis but if we don't have any he will be happy just with the cannabis, Constanzia likes them with Haagen Daz's Mayan Chocolate bonanza and my little one, Federico eats them as is, warm and bare.

The dog and the cat eat leftovers so they don't count.

And....YES, zombies like The Godfather...

Regret...

I was going to make a zombie Yo Mama joke, but seems that EVERYTHING is politicly incorrect.  Censorship!

I Miss Grandpa!

OK, call me a romantic if you want, but, even zombies eventually die (I don't know how long means eventually ), but when I do I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Zombies Play Poker!

As you can see, I have proof, not that I need it. The first image is one of us having fun playing poker -and also we play Canasta and Bridge-.
In the second image you can see how playing cards with an actual dead person is not fun at all (look at their bored faces).
Zombies are FUN!

Can Zombies Swim?

Actually... we don't swim as per say. Three reasons for that:
1. We do NOT look good on Speedos (who does?)
2. We do NOT float -that does not mean that we avoid water bodies... we don't swim but we can walk underwater (we don't breathe...remember?)
3. We ONLY like 1,000 thread Egyptian Cotton Towels, which are very hard to find.

From The Book of Knowledge III

Everybody is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Do Zombies Survive Chemical Warfare?

Of course we do...If a zombie has gone through mustard gas and pepper spray we call him/her a "seasoned zombie"

Zombies Have DCHD !

That is right. We have Consciousness Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder... and I am proud of it. Deal with that.