Spermatozombies Preservation 101

A great concern for zombies is to find a way to maintain their lineage for centuries to come. If you haven't noticed, zombies can reproduce quite well. We love our little zombies!

There are many ways to keep producing little zombies that will carry our names for generations and generations. Obviously, the most popular one is to make baby zombies right away (for that you will ned a female-zombie, but you knew that)... but sometimes we are way too busy right now to do so and we want to preserve our sperm for a later use. After all, we want to use our sperm when is at its highest quality level, so the genetic information is at its peak and we can go to sleep with ease knowing that our best qualities will be there when needed.

Thanks to contemporary technology, we can keep our sperm for later by going to specialized clinics where they will keep the best loads of our spermatozoids (called spermatozombies) by freezing them. Or that is the idea. But sometimes technology fails, like at the UBC's Andrology Lab, where the freezer experienced a power failure back in 2002 and rendered the sperm immotile and most likely destroyed their genetic material. In zombie words... the juice was spoiled!

When a fellow lawyer and frequent contributor of the Andrology Clinic heard the news, being a lawyer after all, decided to initiate a class action lawsuit against the renowned institution by arguing negligence and seeking damages of between $20,000 to $100,000 for each of the donors. Those deposits are expensive, you know!

After failing his first attempt at the regular corner-store Court, he decided to appeal and went to the Provincial Supreme Court and was granted his day in court. 160 happy sperm donor zombies are mega happy. I tried to put my name down on that list, but seems that they actually kept a donors list (boomer!). I tried to donate, but they are not taking donations right now (double boomer!).

The zombie-sperm freezer failed on May 24th, 2002 when the supply of electricity was interrupted when an inadequate circuit breaker tripped. As everybody knows, sperm can be kept in pristine condition by storing it at a temperature below -130 degrees celsius (so if you are keeping it in your home freezer you are just wasting your time... and your sperm, so, don't be cheapo).

The freezer was purchased by UBC in July 1987 and was intended for Kidney Research, but the people form UBC soon discovered that there was more money to be made by keeping sperm than for kidney related studies. They have learned that they can make more money out of kidney patients just by keeping them on dialysis.

At the end of the day, a lesson is here to be learned. Use your sperm right away or face the horrible possibility of loosing your name for future generations to come. Don't keep your sperm on your own freezer and, if you take your little swimmers to a Freezing Clinic, make sure they have an emergency power generator. I am sure that UBC's lawyers will find a way to blame the negligence of the actual donors. I, for one, just want the cash.