Zombies and Mozart

Thanks to the keen eye of Christschurch's police in New Zealand, now we know that some zombies and Mozart don't mix. The city has reduced crime by 95% (from 77 incidents in 2009 to 2 incidents in 2010) thanks to an innovative solution: by using Mozart's music through loud speakers in the commercial areas.

This makes sense, accordingly to musicologist Lily E. Hirsch, who has documented that classical tunes signal to undesirable zombies (not me) that they don't belong in a given environment. They have applied the same solution at British Columbia's 7-eleven stores back in the 70's with great success, so this seems to work just fine.

I will conduct my own experiment: I will play classical music when the wife is around. I will let you know what happens. You never know. Freedom seems near!

Zombie's best friend

Zombies are solitary beings. We like to go trough life lone, unless we have a faithful friend that meets all zombies requirements:
a) Your pet is quiet (we hate noise)
b) Your pet is not needy (that discards teens right off the bat)
c) Your pet will last as long as you do (we don't die -been there done that-)
d) Your pet is economical (no more dry food)
e) Your pet does not poop on your floor nor you get fur balls on your carpet.


That basically narrows it don to... pet rocks!, yes, that amazing little loving creature that was discovered way back then in the 70's. They are amazing. I love mine and I know she (mine is a she) loves me back.


If you want to get one of these babies, nowadays you can find them in a more contemporary form, that is... a USB Pet Rock. YES, a USB version of it. Can't get better than that. And, if you were concerned if your per rock is MAC or Windows compatible... it doesn't matter.... it works with both systems (also Linux).


If you are a pet-loving-zombie as I am... you will love your USB Pet Rock. I guarantee it.

Wiki-leaks

I don't know why zombies living in what we call "developed countries" like to think that corruption only happens in "third world countries". All the fuzz about the Wiki-leaks (not to be mistaken with Zombie-leaks as that is when our bladders fail) is out of proportion. Corruption happens all over the planet. It's a zombie thing. We love secrets, under the table deals and good deals, legal or not.

Any well respected government that is doing business as usual will resource to secret deals, name calling and lying. That is their job. Our job is to pay taxes and obey. That is what zombies must do.

Titanic's REAL story. Conspiracy Theories

As you well know, most zombies have been around for a long long time (we are destroyed only in the movies). Because of that, we know a lot of stuff as we have witnessed the real deal. That is the case of Titanic's fate. You have been told a lie. This is what really happened:


Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars ofthe condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracruz, México, which was to bethe next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.


This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise everdelivered to México. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to NewYork. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of México, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, ofcourse, as Sinko de Mayo. 


The picture shows a society woman raising money to buy more mayonnaise to be shipped to México in 1912. So you know.

The Real Deal Chocolate Ice Cream

Some zombies are wealthy and some are poor. Some have good taste and some don't ( I know...shocking, eh) I really don't know what poor zombies like or what are the things they can afford and which ones they can't. I will investigate, promise. What I can tell you is that I will be enjoying Scotch & chocolate gelato made of the 2nd highest rated scotch in the world, with a 58% alcohol content and Michael Cluziel's chocolate.

The release of this heavenly treat is tomorrow and it will cost $100.00 a litre and they will only produce 100 litres, that is, a limited edition. I love limited editions... they make me feel...special.

I would tell you where the event is, but I feel that that information will just make you feel like you want to just go and see, which is uncomfortable for me. I like my privacy.

For all of you who can't afford this culinary creation, there is always Dairy Queen.

Zombies from Spain get a little help

As you well know, zombies have no sense of orientation (we use Google Maps) so most of the times we just wonder around looking like we are lost (actually we are). Also zombies have, let's call it, "needs", so sometimes we resource to hire prostitutes. The question here is to know which female zombie is a prostitute and which one is not.  Hard to tell for a zombie -remember we eat brains...not the same as having brains-.

It just happens that lucky zombies from Lleida (city in Spain) now can easily differentiate prostitutes from non-prostitutes as the city has mandated that all the ones that are "in the business" must wear a fluorescent coloured jacket to make them visible at all times. This is intended to prevent road accidents, although by fluke it is helping zombies to identify them easily. Thanks Lleida!

Alaska-Nebraska

Zombies have no sense of orientation nor we know the difference between South and North. For us Alaska and Nebraska sounds the same. Who cares. My good old friend Sarah Palin just got a (another) zombie-disorientation moment. North Korea-South Korea. Who cares, that is why we have Google Maps.

How to Make Zombie Babies I

Sometimes zombies forget how to make babies, so our good friends from IKEA have provided us with clear-easy-to-follow instructions. Not all zombies follow this method though... I will post other options later on.

Rock Climbing Zombies

Zombies and rock climbing don't mix. Look what happened to Aron Ralston... back in 2004 he was rock climbing (mistake number one) in...Utah (mistake number two), all alone and by himself (mistake number three) when we was pinned by a boulder and his arm got stuck with no way to free it. After 127 hours of deliberation he decided to cut his arm off... with a two dollar blunt knife. 44 minutes later he had performed surgery, chopped his arm off... and was ready to climb down and go home.

If you want to enjoy such adventure you can watch (hopefully 3D) a movie called 127 hours, directed by Danny Boyle (Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionare). If you don't remember the movie name just ask for "two tickets for the movie about the guy who cuts his arm off".

Most zombies dislike rock climbing because... fear of loosing a limb. Believe it or not.

From the Zombie Book of Knowledge III

 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 

Zombies get organized

Its about time. After centuries of just walking around looking  like dead people, we have decided to get organized so we can get better wages, work conditions, copy-right our names and images and... cheap bus fares and discounts at the local fast food chains.

We have created LOCOZ (Local Organization for Concerned Optimistic Zombies). LOCOZ will bring balance to the force. Please contact your local office to enrol. You can leave here your name and email and one representative will contact you as soon as possible, or you can call our 1800 number (1800YOUBECHAIAMAZOMBIE) to enroll.

It's Alive...He is alive...!!!!

YES. Michael Jackson is releasing a new album called Hold My Hand, which includes soon to be super seller songs with famous people like...Akon (?) and Lenny Kraviz (??). To make it more appealing they have included songs with titles like "Monster" and "Keep your Head Up".

I am dying (funny..."dying") to buy the CD. We all zombies are very supportive of each other. When dead people sing, you MUST listen. That is the rule.

When a zombie loves sandwiches

When we like something...we really do, like a fellow zombie from New Heaven, who was shot twice after buying a sandwich at a deli and went home to eat his delicious treat before going to the hospital.

He said that he was leaving the deli when he heard three gunshots. One bullet hit him in the left leg and another in the groin. He finished his sandwich at home and then asked his father to take him to the hospital so someone would take care of his injures.

What is a mystery is the contents of the sandwich. No arrests have been reported.

Zombie Humor

Zombie Strippers ... The Movie

When we all thought that great cinema was dead... this movie comes to light. Step aside Coppola, Allen and all others...this is how you make movies, the rest is junk.

If you are a minor... don't watch the trailer... you might get ideas... and if you did watched the trailer ask your parents about these zombie activities, they will be pleased to have a chat with you.

Zombies love Saving

Some zombies like to save (go figure) and some of us do it with style even though the Winnipeg Humane Society is not happy about it.
Thanks to the immense creativity and good taste of our friends from thecheeky.com zombies can now save they hard earned money using what they call "the piggy bank of all piggy banks", which is made of a real piglet that has been taxidermied and inserted with what all piglets probably dream of as babies... a coin storage unit and a cork plug".


These money making creative zombies want $4,000 US for this environmentally friendly piggy bank. Also they claim that the piglets died of natural causes (oh, thanks God!).


Knowing my reading base I know that you are dying (funny..."dying") to get one. Do it now and you will get your amazing piggy bank for Christmas ... 2011, as it takes 12 months to make one of this guys.... start ordering!

Zombie Ad

Others use the internet, Tweeter, FaceBook...some are old fashion. We are hungry.

We All Know One....

I am telling you....

A Zombie Master Misrepresented

There is no doubt that Darth Vader is one of the most famous zombies of all times. Made zombie at a young age, he has given great popularity to our kind. If you want to talk power and presence ... this is your zombie.

Now, a fellow Japanese zombie-look-a-like wants to combine Darth's image with Hello Kitty. It is not only sad, its misrepresentation!

Zombies and Cars

There are Three kinds of zombies. The ones who really really like cars and they like to drive the fanciest, fastest more comfortable they can afford (and if they can not afford them, they dream about them)... then the ones who like them but don't want to acknowledge it -they live on denial- and those born to ride in public transit. I feel for them.

Zombie Woman on her CELL in 1928

Charles Chaplin's The Circus which was released in 1928 shows a scene where a woman is actually talking on a cell phone. I am telling you... we have been around for a long long time. We travel trough time. We know stuff...

Eye Of The Beholder IV

Did you know...

That the atomic bomb and the AK-47 were created in the same year and that there are close to 80,000  (although the official number is 25,000) atomic bombs in the planet of which 35,000 (officially 9,000) belong to the USA and that there are 100,000,000 (yes, that is one hundred million) AK-47s?... AND that the AK-47 is responsible of killing more than 250,000 people so far?

And people think that zombies are scary....

Copiapo's Rescue Nintendo Style

Underground Economy

Finally. A good ending. The 33 Chilean miners are alive and safe. Like most zombies in this planet, I like better alive than dead. It was about time to get ONE good news between the array of bad news that we are fed with everyday.

What saddens to this not-so-humble zombie is the marketing apparatus that has been built around something that started as a tragedy and ended as a triumph. CNN took the ordeal as its own and feed the people with 24/7 live coverage. CNN and the big TV corporations are masters of making money out of a tragedy as well as of amazing news. They capitalize everything. Everything.

Then came the personal stories, the Super-Mario, the infidel, the one with two wives, the young one, the eldest. Along came the book proposals, the movie deal, the eye ware branding, product placement, the proud Chilean flags, the president, the CEO of the company. What kind of power bar were they eating?...what deodorant were they using?... what was keeping their teeth clean?...where they using Oxi-Clean?

There are rumours that the mining company will declare bankruptcy, which means that the workers will get zero compensation for their ordeal and long term unknown side effects of what they went trough.

Many many people will make money out of this event, but I highly doubt that the miners will be between those.

Monkey Business II

My friend Tipu's throne

This incredibly beautiful god tiger head was part of the throne of my old friend Tipu Sultan, way back in 1780. Tipu was famous because his resistance to the British Empire.

The fate of Tipu was sealed when in 1799 the British forces killed him in the infamous Battle of Seringapatam. The problem was that the British wanted to keep full trading powers in exclusivity via their East India Company... and the indians were not happy about the deal.

The battle was lost and British Lt.-General Sir Thomas Bowser, a leader in the British victory was awarded some spoils from that war. This golden head was part of it. 

  This beautiful piece -studded with diamonds, rubies and emeralds- was part of Tipu's throne. Tipu was known as the "Tiger of Mysore" and is considered one of the strongest and best governors that India has had. He loved tigers and used to be surrounded with opulent treasures and to have adopted the tiger as chief symbol of his power. 

Tipu and I used to have Assam tea and talk about tigers. We both loved danger. He surrounded himself with tigers and... I got married. Same thing.

There used to be as many as 10 golden tiger figures like this one.. but they are lost (only three still exists that we know).  this one was just sold by a Canadian family (not mine) for $700,000 as it was inside of a box, in the attic, collecting dust.

Zombies love fast food Part II

Here my good old friend Jaime was trying to gross-out a bunch of brainless little zombies by showing them what a real chicken nugget is.

What Jaime did not know is that of all zombies on the planet, little zombies are stubborn as hell. Once they like something, you can do anything to make them change their mind but you will fail miserably.

The home made Nuggets are basically the same recipe than the one used by big fast food corporations, less the food colouring and the ammonia. He did use artificial food flavour, though.

Zombies LOVE fast food!

Yes we do. We don't care how its made or where it comes from... if it tastes good we are game. One of the fast food best sellers of all times are... Chicken Nuggets , those lovely finger food sized pieces of heaven that zombies enjoy and that are considered a healthy alternative (to, lets say...a Big Mac).

How are they made?

Well... they separate the chicken mechanically and they use the parts that don't have commercial value (skin, bones, joints, etc) and they mix it all to form a goop-like material, which looks pink and has tons of bacteria...then, to get rid of the bacteria they "wash" the goop with ammonia and then they add artificial flavour to make it taste, well.. like chicken. To get rid of the weird pinkish colour, they use artificial colouring and...voila!... you have the most delicious snack. After that they just use bread crumbs and deep fry them. 

Some of you will say... its better than Mexican street tacos... but I would say that at least there you know what you are eating...

The picture is real...

Zombies and fashion

I don't know where the idea that zombies are to wear rags came from. I am setting the record straight today. Not all zombies dress like beggars. If you are one of those who still believes that all zombies come from the graveyard you are so wrong. Some of us are from Rodeo Drive.

In 1932, Bela Lugosi was the main star in White Zombie (first zombie movie ever made) and you don't see them wearing rags (some of them do, but Lady Gaga does too!). 

Zombies are about myths. One of the most annoying ones is that we don't know how to dress. Zombies wear all sort of clothing. Some lack of taste, I must admit, but that is another problem, but some are actually quite fancy and are on top of the fashion trends. I recently meet a zombie that paid a five figure number (US money, not pesos) for a COAT. My kind of zombie.

I am thinking about starting a Facebook page-petition asking Armani to create a whole series dedicated to zombies. I am sure he will.