Zombie's New Year's Celebration 2013

Not a lot quite frankly. Zombies love to have a peace and quiet end of the year. I for one will be watching my favorite movie with my kids... my wife left me again. Happy New Year Zombies!

From The Zombie Book of Revelations I

Chapter I, episode I, first Zombie Revelation. "God is an Atheist"... so why shouldn't I be one?

Zombie Hangover!

What a night. I celebrated Christmas until late... I really don't remember a lot... or nothing at all... or...what?

What do Zombies do in Christmas Eve?

We go out. We can't tolerate more Christmas music, trees, decorations and humans feeling the urge to buy whatever. Out is the only solution... it will keep our minds out of this craziness.

Is My Child... a Zombie? (gasp)

Not yet...but you are doing a terrific job bringing him to the Undead Side (sorry but if I use "Dark Side" George Lucas will sue me).

Life or Death... which one is better?

Undead for sure. You see...life is just a long and painful road to death whereas death is so final. Undead in the other hand is the solution. Join us.

Today I Feel Infernally Mortal...

I know, it is a weird feeling... It's easy to fight when everything is right but it is a different story when everything goes wrong. When all is right you are mad with the trill and the glory but when things have gone sideways you feel infernally mortal.

Are There any Chinese Zombies?

Sure, why not. Actually there are more Chinese Zombies than all in North America. They are quite nice even though we have no idea what are they saying. Funny creatures...

Zombie's Christmas Gift II

When I wake up -contrary to popular misconception- all I can think of is... I NEED coffee... so a nice one would be a nice present.

Who Else Feeds on Your Brain?

To start with...the therapists (" psychoanalysts " they call themselves...) and they tend to be scarier, creepier and less interesting than zombies...and, gasp, they CHARGE you for feeding of your brain!!!!

Zombies CAN Foresee the Future!

Well... actually humans claim they can (zombies can't). Oh I die of envy... if only I could see the future...

Zombie's Christmas Present Idea HIS/HERS IV

There is nothing like sharing love with others... that is why I choose this friendship necklace as my choice for a couple's Christmas Present 2013. Harts are so 70's.

Jobs For Zombies I

Zombies can work, for sure. I have decided to start a series on jobs that zombies can do. We are not quite fans of working, but it might give us something to do...

The first one that comes to mind is NINJAS. YES...zombies CAN be ninjas...just think about it: we are dead so nobody can actually kill us, we are quiet as we don't like to talk and we are not great listeners so begging for your life will do nothing to alter our intentions. Is all about training...

Ison...The ZOMBIE Comet!!!

That is right!
Ison the comet that was going to amaze us... according to NASA died when got to close to the sun. But...OH OH OH... it came back to life hours later!
So...now you know... there is such thing as a Zombie Comet...

Zombie Teacher Wisdom I

Teaching is the greatest act of optimism... do you ever wonder WHY Zombies don't eat children's brains?... they have no brains at all!!!!!

Where Do Zombies Hide?

Yeah right...as if I am going to tell you. A VERY secret bunker... I hid it so well that I had to post some secret clues to find it...

Zombies Secret Agenda Revealed!

YES. It is true. Zombies DO HAVE a secret agenda. We have tried to keep it as a secret so humans wouldn't notice and try (yes TRY because they will never succeed!) to eliminate us. Because I do believe in the internet privacy, here is an advance.

Please notice that the agenda is encoded. If you can't read it, it only means that is not meant for you -you are not a REAL zombie-. In that case... sorry. Part 2 to come...

Why Do Zombies Walk Soooo Slow?

Easy. If we walk fast then we have more chores to do during the day. The slower you are the less work is expected from you.

Zombie Heart Broken!

YES, I WAS in a relationship...until yesterday. I received an email (an email!) from my ex that reads:

"Dear Zombielove: when you met me I was a mess. My self esteem was at its lowest point ever. Every day I was with you, you made me feel better to the point where I feel now that I am a star, that there is hope that it is worth living. I hate you for that. I loved my low self esteem. Rot in hell stupid zombie. XXX OOO "

From The Book Of Knowledge CXLIV

For lonely zombies insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations (Zombie Nation Rules!) and epochs... insanity is the rule.

Do God Love Zombies?

Of course he does!...otherwise he would be a racist.

Zombies Aren't Smokers!

Have you ever seen a zombie smoke?...NOPE. Zombies ain't smokers. We have not contributed a penny towards the purchase of any of the 5 trillion cigarettes sold last year. Healt conscious you ask?...no...zombies are cheapos.

...We are talking cigarettes, right?

JUSTICE for Veteran Zombies!

YES, zombies honor Veterans. We have been to war but we just get ignored by pitiful  humans. We have been to almost all wars... it just happen that we have survived... and, as we are considered "undead" then we don't get the satisfaction of the Memorial celebration nor we get a Veterans pension ... and they say to us that the fact is:
1. Zombies are NOT dead...therefore no Memorial for zombies!
2. Zombies are NOT alive...therefore no pension!

JUSTICE!...I want MY Memorial AND my pension... both at the same time. It's just fair.

From The Book of Zombie Etiquette CXXIV

Always wait until your hosts have gone before masturbating at the dinner table.

Can Zombies Talk?

Sure we can talk...it just happens that there is nothing else to say: everything to say has been said.

Can Zombies See In The Dark?

Oh, no. Another stupid question. NO, zombies can't see in the dark. We are zombies, not Marines.

Where is the Poisoned Candy?

Oh, yes... still into this Halloween thing... humans are terrified that their little loved ones (stupid humans) might get hurt because they are told of horror stories about poisoned candy, sharp razor blades inside juicy apples, nails in cookies.... In my extensive research (actually looking for this elusive poisoned candy which must be so good that is to die for) and... not even ONE case in the whole history. Seems that candy makers made up the story so humans, as stupid as they are, will avoid home made treats and swamp the stores in search for the safe (ha ha ha ha) factory made candy.

Do Zombies Celebrate Halloween?

We don't like Halloween. We think it is stupid. Why do people want to go out dressed up as... let's say...zombies?. Either you are a zombie or you are not -but always welcome to join the club-.

Oh, yes... there is the candy....

Zombies Are Cowards!...NOT!!

You can say a lot of things about zombies... you can think a lot of things about zombies...we care. One thing is a SURE thing: you will NEVER -and I mean never- find a coward zombie. We don't run for our lives (petty humans); if you point a gun to our heads we keep walking towards you; if you threaten us with your best machete... we still will walk towards you. Zombies are little brave soldiers, I tell you.

Should I Get a Wife or a Dog? I

It is a tough decision, I am lonely -all zombies are- and I am thinking about getting some sort of happy company. The finalists are either a wife (I know...) or a dog. Here is my conundrum:

1. Getting Home Late. Zombies have the tendency of getting home late. It is a fact. I know that the later you get home, the happier to see you dog will become. I am wondering if that happens with wives.

2. Zombies are forgetful. So, if I forget my dog's name and call it something else... the dog could not care less. I wonder if that happens with wives.

3. Zombies are messy. When I leave all sort of things (including body parts) all around the house, the dog is, actually, happier. The messier you are the happier the dog is. Do wives feel the same?

More to come...