Zombie's New Year's Celebration 2013

Not a lot quite frankly. Zombies love to have a peace and quiet end of the year. I for one will be watching my favorite movie with my kids... my wife left me again. Happy New Year Zombies!

From The Zombie Book of Revelations I

Chapter I, episode I, first Zombie Revelation. "God is an Atheist"... so why shouldn't I be one?

Zombie Hangover!

What a night. I celebrated Christmas until late... I really don't remember a lot... or nothing at all... or...what?

What do Zombies do in Christmas Eve?

We go out. We can't tolerate more Christmas music, trees, decorations and humans feeling the urge to buy whatever. Out is the only solution... it will keep our minds out of this craziness.

Is My Child... a Zombie? (gasp)

Not yet...but you are doing a terrific job bringing him to the Undead Side (sorry but if I use "Dark Side" George Lucas will sue me).

Life or Death... which one is better?

Undead for sure. You see...life is just a long and painful road to death whereas death is so final. Undead in the other hand is the solution. Join us.

Today I Feel Infernally Mortal...

I know, it is a weird feeling... It's easy to fight when everything is right but it is a different story when everything goes wrong. When all is right you are mad with the trill and the glory but when things have gone sideways you feel infernally mortal.

Are There any Chinese Zombies?

Sure, why not. Actually there are more Chinese Zombies than all in North America. They are quite nice even though we have no idea what are they saying. Funny creatures...

Zombie's Christmas Gift II

When I wake up -contrary to popular misconception- all I can think of is... I NEED coffee... so a nice one would be a nice present.

Who Else Feeds on Your Brain?

To start with...the therapists (" psychoanalysts " they call themselves...) and they tend to be scarier, creepier and less interesting than zombies...and, gasp, they CHARGE you for feeding of your brain!!!!

Zombies CAN Foresee the Future!

Well... actually humans claim they can (zombies can't). Oh I die of envy... if only I could see the future...

Zombie's Christmas Present Idea HIS/HERS IV

There is nothing like sharing love with others... that is why I choose this friendship necklace as my choice for a couple's Christmas Present 2013. Harts are so 70's.

Jobs For Zombies I

Zombies can work, for sure. I have decided to start a series on jobs that zombies can do. We are not quite fans of working, but it might give us something to do...

The first one that comes to mind is NINJAS. YES...zombies CAN be ninjas...just think about it: we are dead so nobody can actually kill us, we are quiet as we don't like to talk and we are not great listeners so begging for your life will do nothing to alter our intentions. Is all about training...

Ison...The ZOMBIE Comet!!!

That is right!
Ison the comet that was going to amaze us... according to NASA died when got to close to the sun. But...OH OH OH... it came back to life hours later!
So...now you know... there is such thing as a Zombie Comet...

Zombie Teacher Wisdom I

Teaching is the greatest act of optimism... do you ever wonder WHY Zombies don't eat children's brains?... they have no brains at all!!!!!

Where Do Zombies Hide?

Yeah right...as if I am going to tell you. A VERY secret bunker... I hid it so well that I had to post some secret clues to find it...

Zombies Secret Agenda Revealed!

YES. It is true. Zombies DO HAVE a secret agenda. We have tried to keep it as a secret so humans wouldn't notice and try (yes TRY because they will never succeed!) to eliminate us. Because I do believe in the internet privacy, here is an advance.

Please notice that the agenda is encoded. If you can't read it, it only means that is not meant for you -you are not a REAL zombie-. In that case... sorry. Part 2 to come...

Why Do Zombies Walk Soooo Slow?

Easy. If we walk fast then we have more chores to do during the day. The slower you are the less work is expected from you.

Zombie Heart Broken!

YES, I WAS in a relationship...until yesterday. I received an email (an email!) from my ex that reads:

"Dear Zombielove: when you met me I was a mess. My self esteem was at its lowest point ever. Every day I was with you, you made me feel better to the point where I feel now that I am a star, that there is hope that it is worth living. I hate you for that. I loved my low self esteem. Rot in hell stupid zombie. XXX OOO "

From The Book Of Knowledge CXLIV

For lonely zombies insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations (Zombie Nation Rules!) and epochs... insanity is the rule.

Do God Love Zombies?

Of course he does!...otherwise he would be a racist.

Zombies Aren't Smokers!

Have you ever seen a zombie smoke?...NOPE. Zombies ain't smokers. We have not contributed a penny towards the purchase of any of the 5 trillion cigarettes sold last year. Healt conscious you ask?...no...zombies are cheapos.

...We are talking cigarettes, right?

JUSTICE for Veteran Zombies!

YES, zombies honor Veterans. We have been to war but we just get ignored by pitiful  humans. We have been to almost all wars... it just happen that we have survived... and, as we are considered "undead" then we don't get the satisfaction of the Memorial celebration nor we get a Veterans pension ... and they say to us that the fact is:
1. Zombies are NOT dead...therefore no Memorial for zombies!
2. Zombies are NOT alive...therefore no pension!

JUSTICE!...I want MY Memorial AND my pension... both at the same time. It's just fair.

From The Book of Zombie Etiquette CXXIV

Always wait until your hosts have gone before masturbating at the dinner table.

Can Zombies Talk?

Sure we can talk...it just happens that there is nothing else to say: everything to say has been said.

Can Zombies See In The Dark?

Oh, no. Another stupid question. NO, zombies can't see in the dark. We are zombies, not Marines.

Where is the Poisoned Candy?

Oh, yes... still into this Halloween thing... humans are terrified that their little loved ones (stupid humans) might get hurt because they are told of horror stories about poisoned candy, sharp razor blades inside juicy apples, nails in cookies.... In my extensive research (actually looking for this elusive poisoned candy which must be so good that is to die for) and... not even ONE case in the whole history. Seems that candy makers made up the story so humans, as stupid as they are, will avoid home made treats and swamp the stores in search for the safe (ha ha ha ha) factory made candy.

Do Zombies Celebrate Halloween?

We don't like Halloween. We think it is stupid. Why do people want to go out dressed up as... let's say...zombies?. Either you are a zombie or you are not -but always welcome to join the club-.

Oh, yes... there is the candy....

Zombies Are Cowards!...NOT!!

You can say a lot of things about zombies... you can think a lot of things about zombies...we care. One thing is a SURE thing: you will NEVER -and I mean never- find a coward zombie. We don't run for our lives (petty humans); if you point a gun to our heads we keep walking towards you; if you threaten us with your best machete... we still will walk towards you. Zombies are little brave soldiers, I tell you.

Should I Get a Wife or a Dog? I

It is a tough decision, I am lonely -all zombies are- and I am thinking about getting some sort of happy company. The finalists are either a wife (I know...) or a dog. Here is my conundrum:

1. Getting Home Late. Zombies have the tendency of getting home late. It is a fact. I know that the later you get home, the happier to see you dog will become. I am wondering if that happens with wives.

2. Zombies are forgetful. So, if I forget my dog's name and call it something else... the dog could not care less. I wonder if that happens with wives.

3. Zombies are messy. When I leave all sort of things (including body parts) all around the house, the dog is, actually, happier. The messier you are the happier the dog is. Do wives feel the same?

More to come...

Lesus Christ!

I knew it. It is not a zombie-language related issue. I have been calling... Lesus -his real name- to what humans know as "Jesus". Thanks to my amigo Francisco I have been cleaned. All the new medals minted to commemorate his first year as a Pope have the REAL name. I am sooooo eating some Christian brains today. And, in any event, in the job description knowing Latin was not a requirement.

Zombies Are Gluten Free Maniacs!

Yes... it is true. Zombies are, by God's will... gluten free eaters, but please don't get discouraged, we are equal opportunity brain eaters... we only try to choose first no gluten brains but we will eat ANY brain when hungry.

Do Zombies Eat While Watching TV?

Oh yes we do. Watching TV and not eating is just a waste of time. We watch TV for the food obviously...what is there to watch otherwise?

Do Zombies Have Any Religion?

Ha...for us, religion is, well...like a penis...

It is OK to have one
It is OK to be proud of it...HOWEVER...
Do not pull it out in public,
Do not push it on children
Do not write laws with it and
Do not think with it

How Do You Know if You Are a Zombie?

Easy... are you lining up for an iPhone 5S or gasp...5C?..chances are that you qualify. Please apply within.

What Do Filipino Zombies Like The Most?

Filipino zombies are weird...

How Did Zombies Survive The Wild West?

Easy. We played dead so the bounty hunters could not get a reward.

From The Book of Knowledge CCCI

If you are going to steal something you should always try to steal from the rich as the poor have the tendency of having close to nothing.

What Zombies Don't Need Anymore I

Zombies have little or no possessions whatsoever. We really don't need stuff, but, somehow this is in my "who cares if I have it or not" list:

1. Post Offices... I don't even recall being in one for such long long time....
2. Cheques... what is that?...they are so 20th Century. Gone by 2018.
3. Paper Money... plastic is better and smells nicer... coins?...please!
4. Newspapers... who still reads newspapers....grandpas?
5. Paper Books... a waste of space and, in any event aren't all books the same?...same letters different order... really humans... be creative!
6. Phone lines.... with a wire?.... really?....
7. Music.... I haven't heard something new worth a penny since, well... long long time. Music creativity is dying...with the exception of Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga, of course.
8. TV... paying a monthly fee to watch what you can get right away from your cellphone?...
9. Privacy... who cares if Google can give me free internet access, Facebook keeps me in touch with my friends and Tweeter allows me to see what my friends are doing...
10. Hard Drives... oh... so 70's... sight...

This zombie wants to try Taco Bell !!

The problem is...where do I find the big tortilla thing?...I found the bell.... Humans crave this Taco Bell food item... I am curious....stupid humans...stupid tacos....now what do I do with the stupid bell?

Do Female Zombies Have Orgasms?

YES they do. There is a very useful and practical study done by Dr. Zachary Smith  (Harvard) that managed to classify their orgasms:

1. Asthmatic: Ahh...ahhh....ahhh...
2. Geographical: There, there, there!
3. Mathematic: More, more, more!
4. Religious: Oh my God!
5. Suicidal : I am dying, I am dying!
6. Homicidal: If you stop now I will kill you!
7. Zootechnical: Come to me my lion!
8. Cheer Leader: Go, go, go!
9. Spanish Teacher: Si, si, dios mío!
10. Driving Instructor: Don't stop!, ...continue!...don't stop!, go on!...
11. Negative: No...no...no...
12. Positive: Yes, yes, yes!!!
13. Manners Educator: Yes, that's it...very well...fine... perfect...
14. Misinformed: What is this?...What are you doing to me?...
15. System Analist: OK, we have achieved our goal.
16. Foreseer: I can see it coming...it's almost there...I can see it...
17. Faker: Oh, fantastic!...now let's watch TV
18. Confused: Oh yes...oh no....oh God...
19. Baseball Fan: It's going, It's  going....goooooone!
20. The Prophet: It's coming, it's coming!.....

Being Human?

Do zombies want to be...gasp...human?
I don't think so. It is like if humans wanted to be like...cows. Cows are human food; humans are zombie's food.

Do Zombies Celebrate The Royal Baby?

Oh, that baby...no. Zombies could't care less about babies. babies are ugly, smelly and really bad conversationalists. Royal or not, babies are tasteless creatures with a small and also tasteless brain.

A Native American Zombie!

Is either that or Tonto has gone kabuki. Oh Kemo Sabe...

Do Zombies Wear Latex Gloves?

No!
Only humans -humans...this planet's main problem- are the only spices that wear gloves...and well...they use them for everything!... I have seen humans buying their groceries at the supermarket and the clerks are the only ones using latex gloves...do they know something that the consumers should know?...

Zombies Hate Outsourcing !

Zombies are not huge fans of outsourcing. My cell phone company now offers "live mobil" assistance... I always wondered why the back noise when talking to "my representative"...

Zombies Love Stupid People!

Cruel, sadistic, stupid as it can get, arrogant, coward and with mother issues...I love this guy!...zombies love this kind of humans. They make us feel like Saint Nicholas.

Zombies and Mail

I get a lot of mail. Zombies hate mail. How did they find me?, how do they know my name?... I AM the current homeowner. I think the Government is spying on me. Stupid mail.

Do Zombies Work?

Unlike Humans, zombies don't have the need for material things. As higher creatures in the Universe chain, we are beyond possessions. If we want, for example, enjoy the beauty of a flower, we just look at it where the flower is. Humans prefer to buy a smart phone, buy an app and take a digital picture of the flower so they can enjoy it. Humans, I tell you.