Zombies are Great Dancers!

There is no doubt that we are amazing dancers. Uncle Frankie is a great example and Michael Jackson is another one too. We can even break-dance and we don't get dizzy. One of many advantages of having no brains.

Dr. Zombie MAIA, ESPN, CBS, MBeatles

Zombies are suckers for school degrees. Somehow we strongly believe that the more letters we place next to our names the more important we are -and eventually the highest paycheque will come-. It really doesn't matter what is behind those fancy letters. All it matters is that you actually can display them (even though, somehow they don't look that fancy on home-made business cards).

Based on that knowledge, Universities create all sorts of useless Master and Doctorate programs that will attract tons of "I will be successful"zombies, like the Liverpool Hope University where you can get a Masters degree on...The Beatles!... which analyzes the band's music and their impact on Western culture.

I have reviewed the program and still it is missing "Paul's Death Conspiracy Theory 101" and "John's Final Words 101 to 110", two of the most important subjects to learn if you really want to master the fine art of Beatle-mania. How can you actually produce a descent Beatles conversation if you don't really know what happened to Paul at the end of the 60s and who really killed John Lennon?

Zombie Atacolypse!

Imagine this: zombies love fast food and zombies love tacos. The perfect combo for this culinary dream was created by a former US Marine called... Glen Bell (who else can know better about great food than...a Marine?) . Later on a police officer called Kermit Becky got the rights for a franchise (again...who else knows lots about great food?...a police officer!). The name of such great food chain?: Taco Bell!!!!

The rest is history. With more than 6,000 franchises around the world they make zombies happy...until now. Lawyers I tell you. A group of attorneys in California are suing Taco Bell because they just discovered that the so claimed "seasoned beef" is not what it seems to be.

It just happens that the tasty beef tacos and chimichangas that we all love so much, contain less than 35% of actual beef. The rest is what is known as "taco meat filling". What is this you ignorant reader might ask?: a combo of water , wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin (I absolutely love the taste of maltodrextrin), anti-dusting agent -nobody likes dusty tacos- and modified corn starch.

My question here is... why is there always a lawyer to spoil something that is good in nature?. Leave Taco Bell alone!. Zombies love Taco Bell.

Good News Bad News

The bad news is that our planet will die soon. The good news is that you will die first.

Zombies Approve Necrophilia!

It's a bit late now, but a good case for my psychologist  -psychologists need to earn a living too, you know-. Zombies are quite comfortable with necrophilia. At the end of the day, dead people have no complaints. I can say what I want, I can eat what I want, I can scratch where I want... and all I get is pure cold love. The best.   

Where do Zombies come From?

I don't really know. This is a frequent question I get. In my case, all I can remember was the furry little fingers at feeding time when I was a baby. Was I born a zombie?... I don't recall. I will keep looking for clues and searching for answers in my family album.

There are Some Ugly Zombies Out There!

If you are planing to travel to Louisiana (I have no idea why in the world anybody would like to go to...Louisiana) be careful. Some really ugly zombies are running loose. At first I thought it was my wife... but then I realized she is in the no-fly list. No way she can go to...Louisiana.... then I though it was a Tea Party canvaser...but not sure about that.

In any event, watch it. He might want to go home with you...and the scary part is... that it could look better than your better half.

Zombies Don't Like Junk!

When talking about recycling zombies have a mantra: "Making (and later buying) something cheap is the worst ecological thing you can do. Recycling just tries to fix the mistake"

Drinking 101. The Eyeball Project

I believe I we established enough times that zombies are fun. When you are next to a zombie all you can think of is...let's party!

Because of this and for many other reasons, zombies are always looking for ways to obtain entreatment  out of anything. One example is... when we drink. There are so many ways to get alcohol into our bodies that I lost count. That's why I decided to create The Zombie School of Drinking. In the first semester we teach the fine art of finding ways to get alcohol into our bodies. The mouth can't be the only way, right?

From THe Zombie Book of Wisdom VII

The longer you have been married, the longer you learn to be without sex.

Do Zombies Pray?

That is a hard question to answer. Some do and some deny it. When we do, we like to do it in style. Here is a picture of me (the one in the orange suit) doing so. The building behind me is not a UFO... it is a temple. A Dhammakaya temple in Thailand. A one billion dollar building.

As some of us like to call it "the Mothership", the building has 300,000 identical titanium-and gold- coated bronze statues of Buddha in the outside and another 700,000 nested inside the temple. Lavish I tell you.

The gathering is quite fun. We all dress up, find our spot (that is the hard part) and wait until everybody starts going home. I am not sure what happens in between, as I am a bit confused. I just follow the leader. Some say that there are snacks after, but I haven't been able to find the snack bar. Oh well....

Zombies Love Technology

It's a fact. We are what you could call "geeks". If it is there something new out there... we must have it.

That is why we follow very close all trade shows and stuff... we want new and we want it now. Way back in the days I remember when I bought my Commodore 64... it was awesome! even though it actually did nothing fun. Then came Windows 3.0...oh my God... that changed the way we used technology. Now we are all Mac users (well.. not all, the retarded zombies still use PCs).

Keeping up with technology I just bough this mouse. Its soooo cool. It is a real wonder. I could almost say it is sexy. I can't stop using it.

The Vs need our help!

And united we must help them out. Seems that the Vs great-looking leader Anna is trying to understand what a "human soul" is. She has been killing tons of disposable humans in order to achieve her goal, with no luck.

We must help her. To start with, let's look at who has she killed so far in this daunting soul searching task:
1. A politician
2. A Customs Officer
3. A Lawyer
4. A Banker
5. A Car Salesman

What do all these creatures have in common?... they have NO soul!!!!. Anna is looking in the wrong places. Please let's help her out. She is going nowhere with this. I will contact her today.

Do Zombies do Drugs?

Oh hell 'ya. Otherwise how can we live though the perils of life?... Most zombies do low-end drugs, like coffee,  fast food or by watching Glee. Others do heavier stuff like drinking Coke, taking Advil or eating Sushi, but here is a large group that do heavy-heavy stuff like shopping at Wall Mart, Whole Foods or eating Artisan Bakery. That is just crazy.

Are you taking to...me?

Somehow there is the misconception that we don't know how to speak. That we produce some sort of grunts or growls instead of words. We DO speak. The problem is that most people don't know how to listen. I hate that.

Stupid vampires have taken the odd job to act as zombie-translators. All that they are looking for is to get money out of you or lure you into donating some blood for their services. Don't fall for that.

Next time, please STOP and listen carefully... you will find that we are amazing conversationalists.

You don't Choose Family II

Zombies must come from somewhere. We have been around for a long long time. With that in mind, we have interacted with all sorts of living things in order to survive and evolve (remember the chihuahua dog event?). Unfortunately we haven't been that smart in those decisions and... somewhere down the line we got related to... vampires!

So, as much as we dislike those disgusting blood sucking creatures... we are family. You don't choose family but we are allowed to hate them, so we do. Life, I'm telling you.

Zombies Love Disney!

Disney makes zombies happy. We love  most of their movies (some exceptions apply). Somehow they always find a way to make us feel... happy.
I went to the premiere of Bambi way back then in 1942. Oh joy. At first it looked like another stupid love-all-animal movies with flowers and rabbits (we hate rabbits, nasty little furry creatures) but then... comes THIS scene. I remember that I started cheering up, clapping and yelling like crazy. What a ride!... then the movie became boring again, but the memory of this scene makes the idea of watching it again (3D?) worth while. Thank you Disney!

Zombies Love To Spend Money!

Oh yes we do. We are natural shoppers and spenders. As we are creatures of habit, we get into buying all sorts of things, from clothing (so the myth of us wearing drags is that... a myth) to informercial stuff. We love IKEA and COSTCO. As a fact, COSTCO is zombie heaven.

The only problem we have is that we are not paid enough to cover our shopping needs. Some zombies even hate to work (I do) to earn money, so we resource to credit. Zombies love credit cards. The more the merrier. At the end of the day if we don't have enough money to pay those credit cards we know that the issue becomes a problem... for the banks!. As if we care.

When a country is managed with crazy zombie-credit  mentality the big lenders are happy to pay those countries' debt. Look at America, Greece and now Spain... all that debt has been paid. And who is the generous soul that is helping out those countries that have huge debt?....China!

Zombies love China. They are generous as it can be. They have been paying all that debt asking for nothing in return. We like that. We are grateful.

Unanswered Zombie Question Number 22

Who was the first zombie to look at a cow and say "I think I will squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?

Bodies...The Exhibition...from China?

Zombies love to watch dead people. Somehow it makes us feel...alive. That is why the tremendous success of the exhibit called "Bodies". The problem is that it seems that not all zombies will be able to enjoy it (yes...we DO enjoy it) in places like Hawaii ( the island state has banned all displays of cadavers for profit), Seattle (the city effectively banned all Bodies-type exhibits that could not produce proof of informed consent from the dead, or from the dead’s next of kin), Pittsburg, and many many other places.


In Manitoba (those Canadians eh) they even want to bury them! 


Why this injustice you might ask?


Well... the owners of the exhibit have been unable to produce documentation to certify the origins of the well-disected bodies. Some non-believers say that actually most of them are Chinese political prisoners leased to this group to make the show. They are lacking of any sort of authorization from their families or themselves. 


The bodies are LEASED from the China government and the organizers have acknowledged they rely on information from Chinese authorities and can't verify the origin of the specimens.


What I don't get is how some bureaucrats have the ability to spoil clean fun. For all those zombies who like to see dead human bodies and are not welcomed anymore to cemeteries... what options do we have?

America's Most Powerful Illegal Immigrant

Some say that illegal immigrants are mega dangerous, other say that zombies are mega dangerous. The fact is that the one in charge to keep us safe from evil is... an illegal immigrant. As an avid comic collector I am still trying to find the issue where Superman applies for his American citizenship -no matter how you see it, he did come with no visa-.

Go figure.

Mark Twain and the Nigger Issue

So now we know that an American Publisher has the ability to change Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer wording. The publisher strongly believes that the use of the word "nigger" was a bad idea from scratch. Instead they will use the word "slave" to make it better. Talk about brainless....

Zombie Discrimination!

Nowadays everybody feel some sort of discrimination against other beings. Some want immigrants to leave their country, some want muslims to return home, others want jews to go back to...who knows... and the list is endless. We are not the exception. Some weirdos want us to disappear. Discrimination, I am telling you.

Zombie Tip of the Day 855

You don't want to do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics!

Zombie Panda!

One of my fears have become reality.... there is such thing as a...zombie panda!. The horror.

Zombies and Genetic Manipulation. The Panda Cow Case.

Zombies are against genetic manipulation. We dislike the sole idea of creating freaky stuff just because we can. Look at this thing... a "panda cow"... it is believed that there are only 24 of this creatures (?) in the world and they don't even produce cow nor panda milk!

Do you hugh it?

Do you milk it?

Even though Christmas is long time gone, their creators claim that it is an awesome present -I guess it would be if you like...pandas and you like cows-.

These rare miniature freaks of nature are produced on a farm in Larimer County, Colorado and they sell for $30,000 US (a bargain). As they don't produce milk, they are actually just pets. They measure 44 inches tall and they like to watch TV, specially Jack Black's Kung Fu Panda.

What worries me the most is what would happen if one of these animals turn into one of us... like a... zombie panda.... scary stuff.

Michael Jackson's Autopsy

The Discovery Channel in Britain has cancelled plans to air a program that claims to be the medical documentary of Michael Jackson's autopsy called "What Really Killed Michael Jackson".

Michael Jackson re-introduced us to people with his album Thriller. He is a hero to all zombies.

Now... how am I supposed to learn this important piece of knowledge?. Once in a blue moon the Discovery Channel comes out with a bright idea and they cancel it because a bunch of complainers are against scientific knowledge... and we all know...zombies are all for knowledge.

Something To Do In The New Year

Go shopping, what else?