Zombie Soccer Style.

Most zombies like sports. Above all soccer is one of zombie's favourite sports. As we want to be the best of the best, we encourage multiracial teams. This one is one of my favourite ones. Japazombies that speak Italian. Mi piace tantissimo!

Zombie Cooking Book Recipes. Soylent Green with Lime and Serrano Peppers

When zombies are lacking of fresh meat or brains -which we love- we can always resource to Soylent Green. Soylent Green is an affordable alternative for us to get the protein that we need to survive. Of course it doesn't compare to the marvellous taste of fresh human meat, but is pretty good.

Starting today, I will share with you some of my favourite recipes made with Soylent Green. I have heard that WallMart soon will be selling Soylent Green, but for now you can get it in your regular corner store.

SOYLENT GREEN WITH LIME AND SERRANO PEPPERS

1/2 cup of Soylent Green (MUST be GREEN)
7 serrano peppers
1/2 cup of sliced onions
3 limes (the juice of)
Salt to taste

PREPARATION TIME 10 MINUTES

Roast the Serrano Peppers. Place them in a bowl and mash them. Add the onion. Add the lime juice and season with salt. Mix well and, just before serving, add the Soylent Green (otherwise gets soggy).

Its a great appetizer and goes amazing with all sorts of food. Try it.

Zombies love Sea Monkeys!

Zombies need way more love than what we get, that is why we resource to pet love. Most pets are annoying or needy (zombies don't need more of that, most of us are married...) so we are always looking for great fun, intelligent companion. Most zombies go for Sea Monkeys.

I love my sea monkeys. They are amazing and so smart. I started my first colony many many years ago. It was so successful that in a matter of weeks I had dozens of those little beautiful creatures. Some of them had green eyes, some of them had them blue with the odd one with black eyes. Some were tall and some were short. Some fat and some thin... that is they all looked like ...well.. sea monkeys.

I bought for them bikes, swings, a chemistry set and all that kind of stuff to keep them entertained. I built them a castle, a swimming pool and a casino. I named each one of them accordingly to its own behaviour. I had, for example, Benedict who, strangely enough had the tendency to go with younger sea monkeys to explore a cave that I built for them in their habitat.

Then I had Adolf, quite a busy and bossy sea monkey. He had issues, I recall. In almost a year he had organized the whole colony into pinkish sea monkeys and blueish sea monkeys. The blueish were segregated. When I noticed that I had to buy a new aquarium and separate the two groups. Having them together was not working out.

In the second colony I had the most noble and trainable sea monkeys, but they were bored. I decided to move from my first colony to the second one some of the most proactive sea monkeys, one called Freddy and others called Hannibal, Charles and Caligula. Bad idea. They got rid of my entire colony in one day, then they escaped. I miss them.

Now I am left with the original colony. As Adolf escaped their new leader is Stalin. Seems that all is back to normal again. They are having fun. Today I will introduce them to my newest sea monkey, Saddam. Its going to be so much fun.

British Zombies Help each Other

British zombies are always ready to help each other, no matter what the situation is, that is why in the zombie community they are nick-maned "the helping hands".

Lawyer Stories Vol. 3, The Generous Lawyer Story

Lawyers belong to a completely different species than zombies. They belong to the blood-sucker kind, related more to vampires. There are many legends about these strange creatures so today I opened my Lawyer Legend book and I found this story....

"One afternoon a very famous and wealthy lawyer was driving his SUV when he spotted two men that were eating grass on the side of the road.

Worried, he ordered his driver to stop the car and he went to talk to these two men.

He asked one of them:
-Why are you eating grass young man?
-We have no money for food -replied the young man-. We feel forced to eat grass instead.
-Oh my God, replied the lawyer. Please come to my house and I will feed you.
-Thank you Sr., but it happens that I have a wife and two kids with me. They are over there, under that tree.
-No problem, replied the lawyer. Call them and tell them that they can come to my house too. He also told to the other man: -you can come also my friend.
-But...Sr... I also have a wife and ...SIX kids! with me.
-They can also come with us, my car is big enough for all of us, said the lawyer.

They all got inside the luxurious SUV and the driver started to drive to the lawyer's home. Once they were on their way, one of the two poor guys told the lawyer:

-Mister, you are such a good soul. Thank you for taking all of us, really. God bless you!!
-Oh, please, don't even mention it -said the lawyer. I am happy to do it. You are going to love my house... the grass is three feet high!

From The Zombie Book of Knowledge XXI

If you marry the perfect woman, divorce her right away, otherwise you loose your ability to blame her for everything you do or happens.

Do Zombies Work for Free?

Usually not. Zombies are money and social status driven. We absolutely hate to work, but we do. There are two kinds of zombies... the ones who are smart and get money for their hard-worked hours and the stupid ones, who nowadays we fancy them with the term "interns".
Interns are a weird new class of zombies. They strongly believe that their free labour will lead them to land an actual descent and social-recognized job. Losers. They are being used to get free labour and then disposed as used condoms. Behind them there is a looooooong line of idiots ready to take their places in hopes of a bright future.

Deception!

I just discovered that Greedo was...gasp.... a girl!!!!
If you don't know who Greedo is, then it's time to get medical attention. A zombie that has not seen Star Wars, at least 20 times, is like a balloon with no air... just a flat sad useless thing.

Zombies are into Hugo Boss

Contrary to popular belief, zombies are very much into fashion. The only difference between an average-dressed being and a zombie is that a zombie makes informed decisions. We do research before purchasing our outfits.

A fact is that we appreciate big time fashion and that we look great in Hugo Boss designs. I met Hugo -we who were close to him used to call him Hugo- at a concentration camp back in the WWII days. I worked for him, as free labourer. Hugo started his clothing company in 1924 near Stuttgart and in 1931 he became a member of the Nazi party and a sponsoring member of the SS.

He fast learned how to make a profit and became rich quite fast with sales that went from 38,260 Reichmarks in 1931 to over 3,300,000 Reichmarks in 1941. He actually was so good that he became the official supplier for Nazi uniforms. Zombies love Nazi uniforms as they create a sense of...authority.

Hugo created the famous Nazi uniforms for the military, the SA, the SS, Hitler's Youth and many other Party Organizations. To meet the demand Hugo Boss used between 30 to 50 prisoners of war and about 150 forced labourers. That is when I met him. He was a bit bossy, but I guess it was part of the deal because he was called Boss after all. He said he will pay me later but he never did. Rats!

Zombie Advise Number 333

It's better to have friends that are uglier than you. Builds confidence.

Zombies love Home Made Coke!

Yes we do. As we have been around longer than advertisers, we have the "secret" formula right to the milligram. In the old days we use to make it at home and it was fun. All we needed was:

Fluid extract of Coca (the real deal, not the one you buy from your regular supplier)... 3 grams (I like it heavier in this ingredient so I personally use 300 grams)
Citric Acid ... 3 oz
Caffeine... 1 oz (again, I like it a bit heavier so I use 100 oz)
Sugar... 30 grams ( be careful... sugar is bad for you)
Water.... 2.5 gal
Lime juice... 2 pints, 1 quart (vitamin C is good for you)
Vainilla ... 1 oz
Caramel... 1.5 oz or more, for colouring

Mix and drink. Simple. Now... the bottled version is used for other things like relieve jelly fish stings, cure hiccups, keep your tires dirt free, clean burnt pans (for real), remove gum from your hair, clean a penny and remove oil stains from your driveway. Coke is goooooooood.

Zombies Celebrate Valentines Too!!

Oh my God... if you were one of those who had the stupid idea that we have no heart... you are SO wrong. We are caring loving creatures. To show how much we love love we pack all shopping centres and Wallmart (there are some cheapo-zombies out there) and we buy buy buy. You could say that we buy love.

Some misguided zombies keep buying love, even though they have already married. They haven't discovered that love dies the day you marry. Go figure.

White Baby Zombies

Nobody wants them. They are not fashionable. From Michelle Pfeiffer to Michael Jackson, Madonna, Meg Ryan, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolle, Jennifer Aniston... and the list is endless. They all are great personalities that have decided to adopt a baby -or two or three- but... never a white baby!

If you are reading this blog you MUST go right away and adopt a ... white baby zombie. We are loveable.

Zombies Need Meat Water!

Zombies are always thirsty. Usually we tend to carry with us bottled water (we LOVE bottled water), but our fragile bodies require more than that. Zombies need protein.

Thanks to a very dedicated group of scientists and marketers we can solve our dilemma easily. Nowadays we can drink as much water as we desire and... get all the protein we need!. Its called Meat Water.

How does it taste like you would ask?... tastes like Beef Jerky, Chicken Teriyaki, Dirty Hot-Dog (love the name), Shrimp Salad, Sushi, Stuffed Quail -for the ladies-, Fried Oysters and a huge array of flavours.

Isn't a a bit disgusting you might say?... nope. It is an explosion of flavour in your mouth, just like when you haven't finish chewing and have a drink of water. Tasty.

Don't believe me?... visit their website. http://dinnerinabottle.com/

(As much as they should, they don't pay me for this humble review... a free one for them)

Are All Zombies Meat Eaters?

Actually no. Even though zombies adore the taste of fresh meat, some misguided zombies have gone to the dark side: they are vegetarian!. Like all families, we all have someone who brings shame to our name...well...vegan zombies are one of our dark little secrets.

Argentinian Zombies Love Infomercials!

North American zombies are used to buying stuff that they watch on TV. They love it. Because they are way down there...South, Argentinian zombies just discovered the pleasures of buying from the comfort of their own homes.

What they still haven't discovered is to produce a bullet-proof add. It takes time to master deception. They will learn, sooner or later.

Childhood Memories 45

I love the smell of fear in the morning. I distinctively remember the fear, the not knowing if I was going to be punished or hurt...by a teacher. I recall the humiliations, the put-downs. The physical abuse. Feeling sick to my stomach every day before going there.  It was awesome !!!

You guessed right: I went to a Catholic school. The video brings so many great memories.

Zombies Make Good Friends

Zombies are friendly, no doubt. Also we are great lovers, but that is another post.

Zombie: The Drink Recipe

If you are into drinking, like most zombies are, the preferred mix drink is, of course... a zombie!. This is the recipe for a PERFECT zombie -do not change anything, no substitutes nor misses-. Usually drinking three of these in a row will make you feel relaxed. Four will make you feel a bit happy and 5 will make you feel...like a living dead. Go for it. Enjoy!

INGREDIENTS

3/4 ounce fresh lime juice

1 ounce unsweetened pineapple juice

1 ounce fresh orange juice

1 ounce light rum 

1 ounce dark rum

1/2 ounce apricot brandy

1 ounce passion fruit syrup

1 teaspoon superfine sugar 

1/2 ounce 151-proof rum

Maraschino cherry, slice of orange, slice of pineapple, and sprig of mint

INSTRUCTIONS

Shaker method:

Shake three juices, light and dark rum, brandy, passion fruit syrup, and sugar with ice, then strain over ice into a chilled Hurricane or other large glass.

Float 151-proof rum on top, then garnish with maraschino cherry, orange slice, pineapple slice, and mint sprig.

Zombies and Advertising. A Great Mix

Zombies are a great tool to help your product to be a success. Hire a zombie TODAY!

Year of The Rabbit

As you know, zombies celebrate everything we can. I have said that before. This time around I am partying all day -since the 2nd- because it is Chinese New Year!

First things first. Let's start drinking...zombies! -of course-. Then rabbit dumplings, rabbit stir fry, rabbit won-tong soup and sweet and sour rabbit. Then... bring the rabbit-dressed girls!. I love celebrations!!

Curiosity Killed The Zombie

So, I was watching a movie called Rendition which is about how to get information out of a prisoner using unorthodox methods of interrogation, when one of the characters called Fawal -or something like that- tells the CIA officer in charge of watching the interrogation the following sentence: "Beat your wife every day, if you don't know why, she does".

I could not believe what I just heard!... and I said to myself... hey, not a bad idea. My wife is telling me always to get a hobby. I am going to try this. I will inform of the results later. Fun.

Drinking Vs Yoga. Savasana

Zombies are very much into Yoga...and drinking. One of the first exercises we learn is called Savasana, total relaxation. It is my experience that you will achieve the same results by drinking. Try both and please tell me that you don't achieve the same results. 

How to Achieve Immortality

Being a zombie has great benefits. One of them is, of course, immortality (unless you find one of those nasty zombie killers, weirdos with a weapon). Immortality is not a given thing, you have to take care of yourself. To start with, one must take a daily dose of vitamin D. It adds years to your immortality.