Zombie's 2015 Financial Guide I

So, the year ends, this zombie is tired but willing to help my brothers (yes, I have been watching Marco Polo in Netflix) and what can be better than giving you all the best of the best advise I can give for the year 2015 which seems to be a great zombie year!

Let's get to it then:

Pay off your credit cards every month in full... with your other credit cards. If you ran out of credit cards...sign up for new ones.

Save some money for a rainy day. That way you can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store (and anyways...people always start screaming when we go shopping at the mall...which is annoying)

My accountant advises me to keep better records throughout the year. I keep telling him that records are very 50's...I can listen my iPod (who buys records nowadays?)

Invite your friends for a drink (who doesn't love free drinks?) and look for investors for your "home office" business. If it fails then do a Kickstarter campaign.

Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy...half the planet is doing it and now its the rave!

Borrow things more often. Return then less often.

Visit the grocery store more often -later at night when there is not that many screaming humans-  than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.

Call your grandma and tell her that you are about to go to jail for helping a little orphan...she will send you money right away.

Star Wars The Force Awakens Movie Poster Preview...exclusive!

Again, this zombie site is ahead of all the Star Wars Dorks. This is the real stuff.... your welcome!

My Zombie Resolutions for 2014

New Year's is not a great day for zombies as we hate noise, crowds -they are scary-, music and....fireworks. Drinking is fine but we don't need a Human Celebration to do so.

Every year I do my resolutions for the following year...and I never accomplish anything, so this year I decided to be more realistic knowing that maybe I will do some of them:

1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom. Faucets are more disgusting than the can.
2. Clean my behind after going to the toilet. People are complaining than zombies smell...
3. Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth. I will drink coke instead.
4. Stop licking my genitals. They are getting a bit...wet and moldy
5. Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
6. Watch more movie remakes, follow up movies (where is Rocky X?), and Cable TV...just because I love repetition, yes I love repetition, repetition is good, repetition...
7. Advise my son to go back to school to avoid paying his student loans.He can study History of Marilyn Monroe, Fried Eggs 101 -again as he failed last year-, etc
8. Only eat only stupid and annoying people's brains. This year I almost die of starvation.
9. Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being confronted by humans holding a machete or a machine gun.
10. Spend less than $1825 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Zombies LOVE coffee. Instead I'll go to the nearest Pub or Bar or Cantina or Liquor Store...
11. Claim all my friend's wives as dependents on my taxes.

And I have more...it just happens that I'm hungry and it's time for braiiiiiiiins!

Cuban Zombies!...are back

So, the South American Zombie King, The Complainer One, the one who satisfies his thirst not with blood but with ultra sugary expressos... collaborates with this new video. I actually dying to watch it...what can be better than Spanish speaking with Cuban accent zombies?...in Miami?

Zombie's Christmas Presents Ideas 2014

So, you feel guilty but just can figure it out why. You wake up and feel guilty, go to bed and feel guilty. YES...sometimes zombies feel guilt, the only difference is that we do something about it.

When zombies feel guilty we resource to distraction to ease our busy minds...and we do everything we can to avoid a visit to the therapist. That's why we write to Santa and ask for "ease your mind" gifts.

Dear Santa: this Christmas all I want is the Thorn Glove (you can get it from Iceland's Design firm Sruli Recht). I have been told that once you put them on...you can't remove them...and not because you love them but because they will keep most of your hand's skin. Awesome !

The gloves are made of Icelandic basking shark skin and the lining consists of hundreds of hand-held needles that come form some sort of poisonous fish. Fortunately the poison has been removed.

I promise to use them daily, for two reasons: first, I like my hands with skin on and second because they cost about $4,000 US.

Please Santa.....

The Attack of The Zombie Cat Trailer Exclusive!!

Yes I am giving you the preview of the most amazing zombie cat movie ever made...scary like hell and the special effects , the freaky cats and the weirdo eyes are....something. Zombies love zombie cats!!!

Do Zombies Drink Water?

Water!...absolutely not. Who drinks water nowadays?...

For zombies our body is our temple, so we prefer coffee, with or without brains. Preferable in the mornings. I love the smell of coffee in the mornings event hough I prefer the smell of brains.

Does Zombie Semen Tastes like Brains?

Actually YES it does. That and many other things make a zombie a desirable creature...now let me clarify two things:
First: Eating zombie semen doesn't make you smarter (sorry)
Second: You won't get infected by swallowing it. Try it.

Now.. if you don't like the taste of brains, then use mints.

Do Zombies use a Step Counter?

YES. Actually we do...and there are many reasons why we use a step counter being the main one to count steps. The only issue we have is that our fingers get extremely tired, hurt and get swollen.

As zombies usually do, we all use the same kind of step counter (we buy bulk...it is cheaper) and all of us have the same problem. Some are going back to count in their heads, but I am a very fashionable zombie and I use the one in the picture.

Of Zombies and Wives V

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the Enemy

Do Zombies Play Lottery?

Actually zombies don't pay any kind of taxes... another advantage of being a zombie. And, besides...for us lottery and taxes are the same thing, the difference is that the Government  make you pay taxes and the Lottery is a voluntary tax.

Join us now!
For a Tax Free Planet!
...without humans and taxes!!!!!

Pope Francis Excomulgates all Germans!

BRAKING NEWS!

We have just heard that Pope Francis has excomulgated  all Germans, including Pope Benedict VI. The Vatican has not released the reason for such extreme measure. We'll keep you informed as soon as we get more info...

Penalty or not Penalty...

Penalty or Not Penalty...that is the question. Somehow this zombie believe that this World Cup has been fixed. Most games are inexplicable...most games were decided in extra time or penalties...super bad teams win and super good teams loose.... hmmmm... hocus-pocus?, business ventures?....God??????

Luis Suarez: Cannibal or Zombie?

We have been discussing this for a while now: is Luis Suarez a cannibal or is he a zombie?... some say that he is a cannibal as he used to play for the Nacional and all Nacional's players are cannibals  (my Peñarol fan friend told me that) which could make sense but I say he is a zombie, but a stupid one as he hasn't learned where the brains are (OK...he is Uruguayan...got it).

Is it an Eagle?...Is it a Plane?... NO it's.... a Zombie!

I was in the stadium... it just happens that I was BEHIND this noble aztec warrior. To solve the problem I watched the game on my Iphone, somehow it just doesn't feel like the real thing.

Do Zombies Practice Oral Sex?

Actually we do even though we know that it carries some risk. We have lost some members by doing this... literally.

Are there any Zombie Fruits?

Actually YES. One very good example are banana zombies... even they look a bit decomposed they are still quite alive. I have heard that some humans like them (in some sort of bread called Zombie Banana Bread)*

More fruits and veggies to come.

* Recipe coming soon.

Zombie Planet VI

Yes, we have seen many changes in this planet...many. As we can't keep track on all changes we identify the current planet by the countries' most important features.

My 2014 World Cup Zombie Predictions

Zombies like football (or soccer like they call it ONLY in North America). No doubt. Now with all the time in our hands -what else do a zombie has to do but be?... we like to bet between us who is going to win the Brazil 2014 World Cup.

My system is infallible, I tell you. So here are my 99.9% accurate predictions for the first round. Mark the date and prepare to be amazed... I WILL be right. Remember we can't see the future but we do have the experience time only can give, one more perk to become a zombie.

Here are the ones who will make it to the second round:

Group A: Brazil
Group B: Chile
Group C: Colombia
Group D: Uruguay
Group E: France
Group F: Argentina
Group G: Germany
Group H: USA

Here we have the ones who will make it to quarter finals:

Brazil
Germany
Chile
Argentina

And here I present you the third place final:

Germany
Chile

And the final match will be:

Brazil
Argentina

And the winner will be...

I will leave you with the anxiety of not knowing until my mid June post...

Have fun, and if you don't agree with me...then be prepared to be wrong (I wonder how it feels though)

By the way if you are going to print or reproduce this just name the source and if you are planing to bet money... I get 50% no questions asked.

Wall Street Zombie, the 99%

Yep, we have representation in Wall Street. The other day I was visiting some friends and saw this guy. 99% of thought that he looked stupid. Only one who thought that he was funny (yes...the1%)...we beat him until he, voluntarily, changed his point of view. I love democracy.

Pentagon VS Zombies (CONOP 8888)

If you still think that zombies is a made up urban legend, a fantasy or a sci-fi character... guess again. The Pentagon (yes...THAT Pentagon) has invested a whack load of money to develop a contingency plan in the very probable zombie invasion.

Known by its code name, CONOP 8888, or Counter Zombie Dominance, this plan is designed to be prepared because "zombies pose a threat to all non-zombie human life".

Two things to consider here:

1. The Pentagon acknowledges that zombies ARE a threat to humanity, therefore zombies exist.
2. The plan, cute as it is, is worth nothing. We have the actual plan. We have studied it. We know how to counter-attack. Be ready. We are coming.

If you still thing this is not real, google the plan's code and, if you can actually read it you will notice that at the end of the document it states that "this plan is not actually designed as a joke".

Star Wars Episode 7 Official Poster, kind of...

George Lucas, Disney, please don't sue me, zombies have no money. I heard from the sister of a friend's father in law's father that for sure, sure one of the new planets in Star Wars is called Piriapolis.... you heard it here first.

Oh Sheet

My bedroom, my sheet........

From the Book of Knowledge I

Death is for life

From the Zombie Book of Etiquette MCIV

When engaging with a young human, under fifteen years of age, before eating his brains be polite and ask him his Christian name, so you can create a comfortable eating environment. If he is unresponsive -like most tweens are- then refer to him as "boy"

Lazarus... a Jesus Trick?

OK...we are celebrating Easter again... and the question remains. Was Lazarus the first zombie of our time?...or he was used as a propaganda instrument for Jesus' purposes... was it for real or smoke and mirrors?... the question remains...

From The Book of Knowledge IX

You can get everything in life...if you lower your expectations.

Did Zombies Watched Gravity?

OK...zombies go to the movies, a known fact. This zombie went to see this movie and didn't like the ending...until they released this one. Happy Zombie.

The Returned... Zombies or Not?

Humans are misinformed. Somehow they think that all zombies are created (created?) the same. They are so wrong. Zombies come in different forms being the ones with rotten flesh and eating brains the most popular.

Now... there are many other kinds, like The Returned, who happens to be people's deceased family... but they just wanted to come back and hang around the living. They don't crave for brains nor they can sleep. Nevertheless they WERE dead but NOW they are pretty much "alive" and sharing beer with their loved ones. That falls into the Zombie category.

Personally I like The Returned. They are a remarkable branch of the zombie species.  

From Zombies and Math

If humans can solve ALL problems with math, so they say (ie. Malaysian MA370), why can't zombies do the same?
Think about it...you fear us without math -you assume we are ignorants-...can you imagine your panic if you learn that we, as a fact, do all our planning using math?...Ha!

Zombies Only Need to be Loved!

That's all. Come near us and we will show you love...

Do Zombies Wear Tattoos?

Oh, there is no way in hell that we would allow somebody to burn our delicate skin and poison it with ink. We are as decayed as we can be... but fortunately we have humans for that.

Can Zombies Cook?

You bet!
Check this zombie's new cooking website... www.justaguycooking.blogspot.com, If I was not a zombie I so would learn how to cook like him.

Zombies don't Understand Art

We really don't understand art. I have spent one week just looking at this piece of art (AR 501)... is it "destructivism?

Myths and Realities of Zombies XXXIV

It is absolutely untrue for zombies to say that zombies only want one thing: brains. We also like sex -and Twinkies-

Are Zombies Flammable?

Actually we are. Thanks God that humans prefer to run like girls rather than confronting us... with fire. Fire hurts zombies, but don't tell anyone.

Are We The Last Living Souls?

I don't think so...but I like the song though...

Zombie's Best Moments in Life I

Zombies enjoy life too. We treat ourselves with some indulgences. There is nothing more comforting than having an interesting conversation while pooping.

Rigor Mortis Zombie Style!

Oh yes...zombies also like going to the movies -and popcorn too-

Humans are Stupid! I

Humans always RUN when they see us. I guess they haven't realized that speed is something we lack of...

Game of Thrones, zombie style

I know... crazy isn't it?
And at the end there is nothing they can do about it.

Do Zombies Freeze?

Actually we do. Even though we can survive at -100˚C we still freeze, but what really bother us is BRAIN FREEZE!

From The Book of Knowledge MCIV

Zombies NEVER apologize. You are allowed to explain that you are sorry about the rule and explain that that's the way it is.

How Do I Know if I becoming a ZOMBIE?

Accordingly to the University of Florida (actual fact), these are the symptoms that you might have before you become a zombie -voodoo not included-

Hour 1:   Pain and discoloration of the infected area, immediate clotting of the blood.
Hour 5:   Fever (99-103˚C) , chills, slight dementia (starts to sound too close for comfort?), vomiting        and acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8:    Numbing of extremities, increase fever (by now it should be around 103˚C  - 106˚C ), increased dementia (YES, like your mother's), starts craving a Skinny Double Late from your local coffee shop, loss of muscular coordination (which proves that I was born a zombie... ask all my Gym Teachers)
Hour 11:    Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness (like when you find your wife having sex with your best friend), slowed heart rate.
Hour 16:    Coma (NOT PERIOD)
Hour 23:    Reanimation

And I will add:

Hour 24: Sense of happiness, joy, immortality, finally you don't have to listen to Justin Bieber's "music" anymore and a sense of Zen.

Zombies have Families?

Of course we do...and we all love brains!

For example I really like brains with black truffles, the current wife, Carmela, (they tend to die on me) likes them scrambled with blood oranges, Santino -the teen- likes them with canabis but if we don't have any he will be happy just with the cannabis, Constanzia likes them with Haagen Daz's Mayan Chocolate bonanza and my little one, Federico eats them as is, warm and bare.

The dog and the cat eat leftovers so they don't count.

And....YES, zombies like The Godfather...

Regret...

I was going to make a zombie Yo Mama joke, but seems that EVERYTHING is politicly incorrect.  Censorship!

I Miss Grandpa!

OK, call me a romantic if you want, but, even zombies eventually die (I don't know how long means eventually ), but when I do I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Zombies Play Poker!

As you can see, I have proof, not that I need it. The first image is one of us having fun playing poker -and also we play Canasta and Bridge-.
In the second image you can see how playing cards with an actual dead person is not fun at all (look at their bored faces).
Zombies are FUN!

Can Zombies Swim?

Actually... we don't swim as per say. Three reasons for that:
1. We do NOT look good on Speedos (who does?)
2. We do NOT float -that does not mean that we avoid water bodies... we don't swim but we can walk underwater (we don't breathe...remember?)
3. We ONLY like 1,000 thread Egyptian Cotton Towels, which are very hard to find.

From The Book of Knowledge III

Everybody is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Do Zombies Survive Chemical Warfare?

Of course we do...If a zombie has gone through mustard gas and pepper spray we call him/her a "seasoned zombie"

Zombies Have DCHD !

That is right. We have Consciousness Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder... and I am proud of it. Deal with that.